By Juliana Delgado Lopera • Illustrated by Ariel Dunitz-Johnson
Ask any dyke in her twenties living in San Francisco what she’s doing for booty. Ask her where she goes to meet new, “down-to-earth” (or even up-in-the-air) lesbians — go ahead, I’ll wait. Ready? Unless this mami has already U-Hauled with her boo and is living in the Sunset, the response will most certainly be an eye-roll, followed by a grunt, followed by a “Girl, you kidding? There are no dykes in San Francisco!” She’ll tell you all the lesbians moved to Oakland and blah blah blah she may move blah blah blah there are only gay men in SF blah blah blah but this city is so pretty! And her ex is living near Lake Merritt! etc.
This female homo will proceed to tell you a (terrible) OkCupid story: people never follow through and when they do they look NOTHING like their profile pics, but it’s been a month since she’s had sex so — what the hell. Or she’ll talk about this petite girl who wanted to lick her foot all night. Or when she finally gave in and met a new transplant techie, the girl wouldn’t shut up about “exploring the city” and Dolores Park.
Side note: Sure sure, some people have good experiences with OkCupid, but who cares about those people anyway?
OkCupid reminds us every day (or every hour — depending how much time you spend on it) that there are really only the same 20 dykes (hey reinitas, you know who you are) within a five mile radius. But who cares. You are driven, you don’t give up, you are a go-getter! Yes, ma’am. Therefore there is still some hope in you, something that moves in your ribcage every time you open that app hoping the message box on your left is pink, hoping that one cute dyke with her septum pierced holding her dog messaged you after you visited her profile every day for a week (it’s a hint mi amor, get with the program! Duh).
But what do you find? The same 20 selfies staring back at you.
Look mami, I’m as pissed as you are about the invisibility of lesbians in this city. Believe me, I am. In an effort to better navigate the OkCupid Industrial Complex here are SOME dykes you may find in OkCupid:
As with everything lesbian related here’s The Disclaimer: Before you go all who-does-this-third-world-dyke-think-she-is on me, this is in no way representative of the queer women community. I’m being reductive on purpose, etc.
The Generic Dyke
In her profile picture she is smiling on a hike with her BFF, or at a restaurant, or on some trip in Mexico and probably giving you a peace sign: Mexico with friends! So much fun! Everything about her is like a bad Cosmopolitan quiz: she likes “music,” “dancing,” and is “always up for trying new things and meeting new people.” Surprise, surprise, homegirl likes “delicious food!” and “walking!” and “laughing!” The Generic Dykes enjoys “learning things” and is REALLY GOOD at “making people laugh.” The Generic Dyke knows no punctuation but is obsessed with exclamation points. She is very busy “living life to its fullest” and YOU SHOULD MESSAGE HER IF, “just don’t be scared to say hi!”
The Foucauldian Activist Dyke
Easy to spot: The Foucauldian Activist Dyke discusses how problematic OkCupid binary categories are on her/their/his profile (discuss preferred pronouns and preferred labels — most often the fact is that they are NOT bi, but queer. Also very often they are pansexual, polyamorous, or are in open relationships). The Foucauldian Activist Dyke provides you with a quick queer theory lesson on discourses of the power right in their SIX THINGS YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT section, sprinkled with the words “supporting” “organizing” “anti-racist” “anti-capitalist” “oppression,” and “gender-fluidity” … You should totally message the Foucauldian Activist Dyke if you are not a cis-dude (and if you don’t know what that is, please don’t message her!) and if you are aware of your privileges (are you?).
Hippie-Loving Dyke
“Let’s do this to-ge-ther!” is the Hippie Loving Dyke’s motto. She’s caring, she’s new-age, she’s a “modern gypsy” and in her picture the forest frames her yoga-posing body (arms spread open) while she exhales her energy in a wide grin to the heavens (and to you). One of the “kindest people you will ever meet” she’s “living to love” and SPENDS A LOT OF TIME “thinking and caring about others.” SHE CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT “Long thoughtful conversations,” the Farmer’s Market, “Empathy,” “Warmth,” and, most importantly, “Beauty.” You should message the Hippie Loving Dyke if you are into “spiritual journeys,” “energy,” or want to discuss “our existence in this planet.” P.S: take some sage with you on that date.
The I’m-Married-to-My Dog/Cat Dyke
Opening line: I love animals, especially pups! If you have a dog, huge plus!
Girl, really? Do we have to journey down that stereotype? Of course we do! First item on The I’m-Married-to-My Dog/Cat Dyke’s profile is her dog/cat’s name with a link to her Instagram where you can find “more pictures of my dog/cat!” Underneath the Instagram link is another link to her website with more pictures of her (let’s call him Bruno) dog/cat. There’s her Tumblr with pictures of Bruno and reblogged pictures of other dykes with dogs/cats. Cuuuuute! In her first profile picture The I’m-Married-to-My Dog/Cat Dyke wears a bow tie holding a puppy Labrador. In her second picture she’s pretending to be sleeping on top of her Labrador. In her third picture, both golden Labrador and tomboy dyke wear similar bandanas around their necks. She’s all about animals and makes sure to let you know she likes non-human animals more than human animals. YOU SHOULD MESSAGE HER IF: You want to “chill at the park with Bruno” but, really, she “will like you more if you have a dog/cat.”
The Indie Dyke
She’s barely smiling in that selfie, but The Indie Dyke definitely rocks that black lipstick and oversized shirt. The Indie Dyke cares a lot about “not giving a fuck.” She’s carefully and impeccably put together with a black-and-white vine of roses tattooed on her arm. This mami reads Murakami, is an art director for some indie company on Etsy (“but it’s no big deal”), listens to The XX, Little Dragon, and Beach House. SHE CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT coffee, beer, skinny black jeans, her cellphone, and “fluent sarcasm.” After spending five seconds on her profile you picture her rolling her eyes at you, grunting, and asking you to shut the door. She smokes “regularly,” drinks “often,” and is down for non-monogamy. YOU SHOULD MESSAGE HER, if you are down with “bi” girls, you are not a “lazy boring asshole,” and you have something more to say other than “hey!” or “you’re cute!” (She already knows this and doesn’t need a reminder thankyouverymuch). Please just don’t be “full of shit.”
The Engineer/Math Wizard a.k.a The Real Nerd Dyke
A rare species. Some dykes may not even know of her existence until one day they find themselves at Cockblock (because what-the-hell) making out with the cute dyke with glasses and a bar-graph on her shirt. And ta-rá! It’s The Real Nerd Dyke! All flesh and vegan blood. She’s into “anime,” “math problems,” and sometimes BDSM. She works in the video game industry and SPENDS A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT “building a cybernetic body.” Half-cyborg, half-cosplay queen, she’s awkward (but you don’t have to be!), she likes cats, and she may like you.
