By Nicole Grant Kriege • Designed by Juan Leguizamon
When you work in an open office, it’s hard not to get all up in your coworkers’ business. No matter how high you turn up the silence in your noise cancelling headphones, it’s impossible to ignore the cast of characters that make up your team. After working in a few such offices, I’ve begun to spot some marked idiosyncrasies — er, similarities — among the people who take on some of the more common roles. Here’s a breakdown of some of the personality types that dominate the tech landscape:
Also Known As: The Motivator
Specialties: being the boss, wooing venture capitalists, parading through PowerPoint presentations
Reading Material: The 4-Hour Workweek, The 48 Laws of Power
Weaknesses: needs a wardrobe stylist, has a steady supply of Paxil, owns five finger toed shoes
Hobbies: ruling the world, running triathlons, channeling Tom Cruise
Would Rather Be: climbing Mount Kilimanjaro
Also Known As: That dude who puked after the last company outing
Specialties: wearing the company schwag, working until all hours, overboard enthusiasm
Reading Material: comic books
Weaknesses: still sleeps in a bunk bed, has only had sex on Second Life, just tried drip coffee for the first time
Hobbies: company field trips, taking in the view from his SOMA high-rise with his five roommates
Would Rather Be: nowhere else in the world
Also Known As: The Coach
Specialties: giving motivational speeches, ringing the sales bell with gusto, hiring and firing, congratulatory ass slapping
Reading material: Phil Jackson’s autobiography
Weaknesses: uses tired baseball metaphors, addicted to Red Bull
Hobbies: yelling at the TV in the sports bar with the bros
Would rather be: in the dugout with the SF Giants
Also Known As: The Cheerleader
Specialties:chumming it up, witticisms in emails, throwing parties
Reading material: How To Win Friends and Influence People
Weaknesses: they were in the Greek system, they don’t wanna grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome), not as attractive in person as their avatar
Hobbies: staying up on bacon trends, midnight talk thread binges
Would rather be: drinking in Dolores Park
Also Known As: The Dev
Specialties: binary arts, condescension, hiding behind their massive headphones
Reading material: Ghost in the Machine
Weaknesses: suffering from a lack of sunlight, in desperate need of a Digital Detox, still has a goatee, IE6
Hobbies: office ping pong, lightsabering, hating on brogrammers
Would rather be: live action role playing
Also Known As: The Megaphone
Specialties: scaling shit, using annoying buzzwords (SEO, ROI, freemium, low hanging fruit, feedback loop)
Reading material: anything by Malcolm Gladwell
Weaknesses: would sell their soul for a 1% uptick in conversion rates, bad copywriting puns
Hobbies: spin class, networking
Would rather be: shopping at Northface
Also Known As: The Fun One
Specialties: speed tweeting, leetspeak, playing paparazzi (instagramming)
Reading material: Twitter
Weaknesses: #toomanyhashtags, prone to gaffes
Hobbies: using new text message emoticons, LOLing, meme hunting
Would rather be: checking their status updates
Also Known As: The Hipster
Specialties: pixel pushing, magical photoshopping, nitpicking dev buildout
Reading material: blog roll
Weaknesses: making deadlines, perfectionist
Hobbies: shopping for designer eyewear, taking freelance gigs, studying Swiss grid theory
Would rather be: making ironic products for The Curiosity Shoppe
Also Known As: The Email Slogger
Specialties: answering an ungodly amount of electronic mail, diplomatically answering stupid questions
Reading material: What Color is Your Parachute?, Craigslist job listings
Weaknesses: not using their Ivy League degree, computer vision syndrome
Hobbies: quashing trolls and flamers, pursuing their side business
Would rather be: anywhere else in the world
Also Known As: The Gatekeeper
Specialties: initiating trainees, planning company outings, gossipping about co-workers
Reading material: InTouch Magazine, 50 Shades of Grey, Twilight
Weaknesses: can’t keep a secret
Hobbies: knowing the dish, cat shows
Would rather be: organizing their fugly Christmas sweater drawer
