Man, cleaning up after yourself is super-lame. Isn’t that what parents are for? You’re an individual, and you’re free to leave your stuff all over the place. If you want to spit toothpaste all over the bathroom walls, do it. You pay rent, after all.
Just kidding. This is sarcasm. Follow the steps below only if you are a terrible person. But yes, I’m guilty of a few of these.
1. The Dish War of Attrition
Stack your dirty dishes in an impossible Jenga combination all the way to the tap, making it impossible for your roommate to do their own dishes until they have an emotional breakdown and do your dishes for you.
2. Get a Pet You Don’t Take Care Of
Get a pet that you have intentions of taking care of, then invariably neglect when you head out of town for the weekend, leaving the animal to defecate all over the apartment. Also, your landlord will be pissed off, because having a pet breaks the rental agreement, but fuck that guy! Having a cat or three is fun, and all the urine on the kitchen floor seems to be disappearing by itself. Or try getting a dog that has too much energy to be cooped up in a tiny apartment all day, so it starts going crazy with anxiety. What was once your responsibility has once again become your roommate’s! Hahaha.
3. Invite a Live-in Significant Other
The person you are currently boning has made the living room their second home. They are always there; they never leave; and they ate half of a burrito that your roommate was saving. Then they walk around naked like they own the place. Goddamnit, your roommate just wants to come home from a shitty day at work to watch Frasier without some asshole puttering around eating peanut butter with a spoon and scratching their balls. Too bad for them.
4. Abuse the Living-Room Neutral Zone
If your bedroom isn’t enough space for you, why not start expanding into the neutral zone of the living room? Place one thing on a table, and then start cluttering it to the point where it doesn’t even function as a usable surface anymore. In fact, start dumping random items like Hula-Hoops and shoes anywhere you’d like.
5. Create a Refrigerator Graveyard
Just like wine, milk gets better with age, so why not let sit for two months straight? Leave a head of lettuce to slowly melt into a fine liquid at the bottom of the fridge. An uneaten container of meatloaf becomes a fascinating science experiment of decay. Why not turn the inside of a boring old refrigerator into a Jackson Pollock art piece.
6. Leave Your Toenails Everywhere
You should start leaving toenail clippings everywhere in exciting places, like on the kitchen counter or around the bathroom sink! That way you can clone yourself if you need to with all that DNA lying around.
7. Clog the Shower Drain with Your Hair (Forever)
Maybe your roommate would like to build a soggy wig out of all the hair you let clog the shower drain. Maybe they don’t understand that you are just trying to conserve water. After the water starts rising in the tub, you can just take an impromptu bath in the murky ankle-deep water. Make sure to never pull out the giant wads of your own hair, because that is beneath you.
8. Pee All Over the Toilet Seat (Always)
You’ve spent years aiming not to urinate all over the toilet, but that’s just for squares. You should dance the Macarena as you pee to make it fun. Swing those hips, and make sure you give the toilet a good dousing. If you happen to be a lady, that’s even more amazing! If we lived in a perfect world, toilets would be painted yellow.
9. Eat Your Roommate’s Food (Whenever You’re Really, Really Hungry)
Your roommate’s tamales (that their mom made) were just sitting there—they would want you to enjoy one or five. Also, make sure to leave the corn-husk wrapper in the bag to let your roommate know you couldn’t even be bothered to get rid of the evidence.
10. Start a Monopoly on the Shared Bathroom
You should take as long as you need in the bathroom, so have you considered reading novels from beginning to end while your roommate helplessly knocks on the door? Why not work on an elaborate jigsaw puzzle on the bathroom floor? After all, if your roommate really wanted to use the bathroom, they could walk to the coffee shop down the street or pee in the sink.
The end
