By Adrian Spinelli

Did you watch the #AppleLive keynote presentation?!? It was all up in everyone’s Twitter feeds this morning and it’s still the number one SF trend on Twitter, hours after it ended. If you’re not in the know, this is where Apple shows off its designs and plans for everything from the layout of retail stores to improvements on current products, as well as announcing new products. The star of the show today (which was not Al Gore, who was in attendance), was the Apple Watch. How stoked are you?!!? It’s ok — I’m not that stoked either, to be honest.

I watched the whole damn presentation online and without getting into too much detail about how much better of a speaker Steve Jobs was than current CEO Tim Cook, here’s a list of some of the more WTF (yet REAL) features of the Apple watch that were touted today:

It expresses who you are

Welp, here’s a theme we heard throughout the presentation: Apple telling us how to feel and what we should like. A watch that tells me who I am? Would you look at that?! If you thought wearing Google Glass stigmatized you, just wait ’til you get judged for wearing an Apple Watch.

The touch-to-touch sketches

This’ll be great for drawing penises. You can sketch a cutesy drawing (or a penis) on your Apple Watch and send it to another Apple Watch user. Now this is precious. Considering this watch is marketed especially to business exec-types, I just can’t picture a CEO sending a sketch of a flower to someone (like the example in the presentation) before a flight. But maybe a penis sketch to his buddies? (Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has already voiced his approval).

Accurate within 50 milliseconds of the UTC

The UTC is the Coordinated Universal Time. Finally I won’t have to wind my watch anymore … oh, wait a minute. I already don’t. What’s a second or two here and there to us really? Definitely a weaker selling point.

Send your heartbeat

The watch tracks your heartbeat with an animation that you can send to another Apple Watch user. Apple described this as “an incredibly intimate way to tell your friend you’re thinking about them.” This way, we’ll never have to tell our significant others that we love them to their faces. Just let some trivial animation do it for us. [heart breaks]

Fitness tracking features are “like having a coach on your wrist”

So is that like a high school gym class coach who wears those tight short shorts, aviator shades, and a metal whistle around his neck? If so, I’m out.

Live departure info

Now you’ll know that your flight out of SFO is grounded because of fog even more quickly. Leave it to the airlines to find a more efficient way to break bad news to us.

The 18 karat gold “watch edition,” which starts at $10K (seriously)

Somewhere, Jay-Z and Hublot are plotting a partnership here. But really?!?! A $10,000 gold Apple Watch? Move over Rolex. This one’s for people who really don’t have anything better to spend their money on.

Reply in chat with stickers

When are we gonna get over this whole “sticker” craze? Is there one person who doesn’t get creeped out by these things?

All day battery

Make me a damn iPhone battery that lasts all day instead of this crap! [deep breaths … deep breaths]

Raw aluminum of exceptional purity

Ya see, this is the stuff I don’t even care about, yet here’s Apple telling me that I should care. Can you imagine the barftastic cocktail party conversations about this one? ”Check out all the alloying on this bad boy” and “Oh my gosh, I’ve never seen stainless steel quite like this!”

Bonus: A beautiful custom table to display the Apple watches at the Apple Store

GTFOH and let me know when you come up with an Apple decoder ring. Then we can talk. Until then, I’ll be charging my iPhone for the third time today.

In conclusion: If you get an Apple Watch and I know you, I’m totally sketching a penis on it.

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