Calling in fake sick from work is an art form, which makes me the Picasso of fake sick days. I’m sure you know that feeling of dread as you stare at your alarm clock ticking away, bringing you incrementally closer to having to get dressed and go to work. But not today.

Today you’re pulling a “Ferris Bueller.” Fear not, dear reader. With my list of Fake Sick Day Do’s and Don’ts, you’ll be out galavanting around town while your co-workers are tied to the wheel of labor like a bunch of squares.

Don’t give overly elaborate stories

Since your employer, by law, is not allowed to call out your bullshit story, it’s best not to be overly elaborate. Texting is always preferable if you’re calling in sick. Keep it brief and simple — don’t gild the lily on this one.

You: Hi, Diane, I’m not feeling well, and I’m taking a sick day.

Diane: OK, feel better. :(

Short, sweet, and to the point.

However, the nuclear option

Call your employer and give them details of your malady that they will not want to hear more about. You can never go wrong with an excuse like irritable bowels — in fact, go ahead and make a radio play out of it. Pour a bucket of water into the toilet as you moan during the phone call to your boss.

You: I’m fire-hosing out of both ends, Diane [sound of liquid being poured into the toilet with force]. I’m really glued to the toilet [dump a can of lima beans into the toilet] — I mean, maybe I could come into wo — [whoopee cushion being pressed]. Oh gaaaaaawd [sound of shampoo being squished through hands and more moaning]. My bowels aren’t just irritable; they are angry as hell, Diane!

Diane: Uhhh, no, you stay home. Thanks for checking in. Feel better.

You: Thanks, Diane. It’s a real massacre over here [dumping tapioca into the toilet while your roommate raspberries into an old rusty trombone].

Don’t post pictures on social networks

Don’t pull a serious boner move by posting pictures of yourself as you play hooky, especially if you’re Facebook friends with your manager or they’re using your Instagram as a tracking device. If you do need to go out in public, go incognito. Break out an old wig and sunglasses to conceal your identity in case your employer catches you enjoying an afternoon libation in the park— especially if last they heard, you were wracked with the bubonic plague.

Do something you can do only on a day off

The world is your oyster when you’re pulling a sicky. You can walk around naked in your apartment, enjoy the lack of crowds at an art museum, or catch the lunch buffet at your favorite Indian restaurant. All the rest of the suckers are inside working, so go catch a matinee movie and enjoy the theater to yourself as you drink a 40 and yell at the screen — after all, nobody else is there to complain.

Don’t be the boy who cried barf (the subject of my forthcoming children’s book)

Do not abuse the fake sick day. Try to keep it to once every three months; if you’re serially ill, it could give your employers reason to think you’re a person of dubious integrity. Besides, what about the days when you’re legitimately ill and your co-workers think you’re just faking it again? Save up your “fakeys” till you really need one or when you’re just too hungover from an impromptu Tuesday-night chugalug.

By the way, the German government has just reported that being hungover is, in fact, a reasonable reason to call in sick. Thank you, Germany, for starting that precedent. The world thanks you.

For more of Kelly O’Grady’s art, click here.

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