Valentine’s Day in San Francisco isn’t all candlelit dinners and overpriced prix-fixe menus. Sometimes, love dies, and when it does, you might as well make it memorable. If you’re looking to end things with a bang — or just enjoy some harmless emotional theater — here’s a guide to the best places in SF to stage an over-the-top breakup.
#1. Coit Tower — for maximum echoes and public spectacle
Nothing says “this relationship is over” like shouting it from an actual tower. Coit Tower offers panoramic views of the city, perfect for a “I need space” speech while dramatically gazing at the skyline. Bonus: Your impassioned words will carry across Telegraph Hill, so even the wild parrots will know you’re single.
#2. The Palace of Fine Arts — for tragic, cinematic romance
If you’re going to end it, do it somewhere that looks like a $200 million period drama. Break up while standing under the grand rotunda, making sure to gesture meaningfully at the reflecting pond. For added effect, whisper, “We were doomed from the start,” and walk away slowly.
#3. A Muni train (preferably the N-Judah at rush hour) — for maximum chaos
Public transit is already a nightmare, so why not throw in some relationship turmoil? Break up as the train screeches through the Twin Peaks Tunnel — your soon-to-be ex won’t even hear half of it, and the strangers packed around you will have some great gossip for their group chats.
#4. Alamo Square Park — for the classic ‘Full House’ dissolution
Position yourselves in front of the Painted Ladies, then drop a “You never loved me like I loved you” while tourists and dog walkers look on in horror. If you time it right, the Golden Gate Bridge might be peeking through the fog, adding to the heartbreaking aesthetic.
#5. Outside City Hall — for the ultimate irony
Lovebirds flock here to get married, so why not be the counterprogramming? Stand on the grand steps and proclaim, “I’d rather elope with my Wi-Fi router than spend one more day in this relationship!”
#6. Dolores Park, on a sunny Saturday — for an audience who will cheer
Break up in front of the hipsters and hula-hoopers, then dramatically storm away toward the Bi-Rite ice cream line. If you’re lucky, a shirtless guy playing the bongo drums will turn your misery into a tragic freestyle.
#7. The Ferry Building, right before their favorite restaurant closes — for that extra sting
Plan it just before their go-to eatery is shutting down for the night, ensuring they can’t even emotionally recover over a plate of oysters. If you want to be truly heartless, make them return a shared Ferry Building gift card while still processing their heartbreak.
#8. Sutro Baths ruins at sunset — for a gothic romance meltdown
The ghost of your relationship will haunt these ruins forever. Stand on a rocky ledge and quote something from Wuthering Heights before storming off into the mist. The crashing waves? That’s the sound of your love sinking like a shipwreck.
#9. Starlight Room — for a ‘shit or get off the pot’ moment with a skyline view
If you’ve been dragging your feet in a situationship, there’s no better place for a final ultimatum than the Starlight Room, where the city glows beneath you and the chandeliers drip with old-school glamor.
Picture it: a dimly lit booth, the ghost of a dirty martini swirling in your glass, and a live jazz band playing something heartbreakingly smooth. You lean in, voice low but firm, and drop the words like a gauntlet on the velvet banquette.
Pro tips for a truly San Francisco breakup
- Speak in metaphors only SF people will understand. “We’re like BART after 10 p.m. — barely functioning and full of bad decisions.”
- Ensure witnesses, ideally tech workers on their lunch break. Nothing says “I’m over you” like a crowd of Patagonia vests pretending not to eavesdrop.
- Throw in a housing-related insult. “This relationship had as much stability as a San Francisco lease.”
- Wear sunglasses. Even if it’s nighttime. Especially if it’s nighttime. Bonus points if they’re obnoxiously large, like you’re avoiding the paparazzi.
- Make a dramatic exit on an e-scooter. Nothing says “I’m moving on” like zooming away at 12 mph, tears streaming down your face, dodging potholes.
Saul Sugarman is editor in chief of The Bold Italic.
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