I hate pooping outside my home, and if forced to do it, my friend describes my bathroom habits as positively dainty.
I won’t drop a deuce unless my toilet comes with four secure walls and a latched door lock, and I can’t do cubicles unless the partitions go to the floor. It isn’t the cleanliness that bothers me — although, hard pass on gas stations and Starbucks — but I can’t stand the sounds. The splashes of water, the farts; I deny they come from me, and I abhor hearing them from others. I deny pooping at all.
Still, I asked around and found some primo spots to take a dump in San Francisco. Not all of these are public restrooms, so buy a coffee or cocktail, or make up an excuse. I’d like to note my mom was very against my writing this story and especially attaching my name to it; she said my journalism career was going to shit.
Here are my recommendations in no particular order:
620 Jones
@ 620 Jones St.
Frankly, I’ve never been wowed by this spot for its food or cocktails, but oh boy is it a great place to take a crap. First you’ve got that great “rooftop” patio — it’s one floor up — and then this big bathroom with individual toilets that have full doors that lock. I recommend pooping here on any off-peak brunch days. If you’re going to Juanita More’s annual Pride party at Jones, poop before you go. (It gets really, really packed.)
SF MoMA
@ 151 3rd St.
I only went to SF MoMA for the first time recently after a decade of living in San Francisco, and I did not use their bathrooms. But a Reddit user pointed out the first-floor toilets are free: “You buy tickets and enter the museum on the second floor, so these ones on the first floor are free for the public to use.”
And who wouldn’t want to defecate in a totally red room?
The Palace
@ 2 New Montgomery St.
I dub this one of the most talked about bathrooms more so than the finest spot to leave a log: SFist, Curbed, and BrokeAssStuart all describe how fancy, clean, and big these restrooms are. There’s a keypad that’s meant to deter people wandering in, but it’s a decoy.
The Garden Court is why I always come back to The Palace, and while the bathrooms are nice, I don’t remember loving them the way others do. With the “farts and splashes” concern: The cubicle doors here are the standard thinner variety. So the room’s gotta be totally empty for me to take a dump.
The Detour
@ 2200A Market St.
Gay bars can be a special hell when it comes to privacy: I’ve been in more than one with a pee trough and the door propped open.
The Detour is a rare gem in this regard. The bathrooms are way off from the main arcade games, dining and cocktails. The walls are super solid with plenty individual toilets, and the music is loud besides. No one will hear what you’re doing, and chances are it won’t get busy enough that someone will come knocking.
Sunset Gym
@ 1247 9th Ave.
I know this one’s weird because you would need a gym membership, but if you’re in the market for one, Sunset Gym’s bathrooms were one of their finest assets during my time there. The toilets are single occupancy with thick doors, some have showers, and there are signs everywhere instructing to limit your time to half an hour. That’s 30 freaking minutes to take a dump.
Don’t be a dick or anything, but can you imagine someone knocking on the door after you’ve been in there a ridiculous amount of time, and replying, “Sorry, I’ve got another five minutes!”
Five stars, Sunset Gym.
Saul Sugarman is editor in chief of The Bold Italic.
The Bold Italic is a non-profit media organization that’s brought to you by GrowSF, and we publish first-person perspectives about San Francisco and the Bay Area. Donate to us today.
Did we miss your favorite place to poop in San Francisco? Let us know. Here are some other stories by our media colleagues about the best places to leave a little something:
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