“If you can pay money for it, someone will do it,” might be a corrolary to the Internet’s Rule 34. We saw the extent of this truism in 2016 by exposing you (no pun intended, unfortunately) to the depths of Craigslist’s weird job offerings. We laughed, we cried, we cringed — and now, fellow workers, we’ve curated the best worst jobs from the year for you. May the job search be ever in your favor.
1. Cowabunga Cash
What: If you know how to make costumes, someone will heroes-in-a-half-shell out some cash for your work.
The Good: Leonardo leads. Donatello does machines.
The Bad: Raphael is cool but rude.
The Best: Michelangelo is a party dude.
— Joe Nguyen, August 2016 Edition
2. Online Dating “Manager”
What: This is it, folks — the dead end of outsourcing.The Sims, it turns out, wasn’t a game, but an omen. Some 29-year-old guy in Palo Alto is tired of all the “work” of dating. So you get paid to do it all for him — pretend to be him, swipe through dates for him, message and flirt as him and so on. Paid on commission or hourly (your preference).
The Good: It seems like mostly telecommuting.
The Bad: If he’s too lazy to date, what else is he too lazy to do? Go out for dinner? Drinks? Where does it end? (Read: bring a condom.)
(Note: Craigslist flagged this post for removal this week, unfortunately — or fortunately, depending on how much of a romantic you are.)
— Keith A. Spencer, May 2016 Edition
3. $40 to Beat Some Dude on Gamecube
What: This isn’t so much a job as a challenge, but it was in the jobs section of CL, presumably because it will require much work to succeed. NBA Street Vol. 2, a game that was released over 13 years ago, has a self-proclaimed champion who’s offering a whopping $40 to anyone who can defeat them.
The Good: From what I remember, which was playing this game while inebriated in a college dorm, it’s really fun.
The Bad: You will probably lose. No one declares a challenge like this without some serious heat ready to go.
— Joe Nguyen, July 2016 Edition
4. So That’s the Going Rate
What: If you’re a college girl with nice legs and feet, this guy will pay you $65 to “watch tv while I j/o …”
The Good: It’s an easy gig, and you get to watch TV. $65 ain’t so bad for what I assume is less than 10 minutes of “work.” Make sure he pays you up front, and do it electronically so you don’t have to touch anything he’s touched.
The Bad: You have to be a college girl. What about other ladies with nice legs and feet? A creeper on this level might actually ask to see your student ID.
— Joe Nguyen, July 2016 Edition
5. Help Keep the World’s Lamest People Alive
What: Cooking vegan food for techies, possibly the most San Francisco job I’ve ever come across.
The Good: This is a real job with pay and benefits. And truth be told, you have legit skills if you can land this one.
The Bad: You’ll be ready to kill yourself before too long. And like any tech company, this one will probably fail, especially once Trump destroys our economy.
— Joe Nguyen, November 2016 Edition
Read more from the weird jobs series at our weird-jobs repository.
