If you’ve walked around any part of the city lately, you’ll notice that a new demographic has emerged. These people treat Market Street like their personal runway. They are decked out in brands — or “BRANDS,” depending on their affinity for Virgil Abloh — all of which are either too loose or too tight. They are sneakerheads, sweatshirtheads and undergroundshitheads. They want you to think they don’t care at all, but they also care more than anyone else. And if you squint, they can look like the lost sibling of Jaden Smith.
These are the fuccbois, and they are here to stay.
At its most basic definition, a fuccboi is someone who tries too hard to be cool, but San Francisco is no ordinary place. So of course, these bois have evolved to reflect the tenacious eccentricity the city is known for. As you wait in line for ramen or pasta or croissants, you’ll most likely run into these eight types of fuccbois.
Here’s the guide to who they are and how to handle them.
The “Will You Download My App?” Fuccboi
This is a no-brainer for SF. He’s got the branded tech hoodie and a start-up idea that’s going to “change the world.” He’d really appreciate it if you downloaded his beta app while they’re going through rapid iterations, but in the meantime, let him add you on LinkedIn — not Facebook.
How to deal with this: Make it clear that you’re not a QA tester. If he needs a plus-one to the launch party at Lazy Bear this weekend, however, you are 100% free.
How NOT to deal with this: Call his idea stupid and say that Apple already figured this out two years ago. He’s trying, OK? Let him try — it’s kinda cute.
The Fuccbro
This dude is spotted mostly in the Marina or at Equinox grunting a little too loudly when he lifts weights. He rues the good ol’ days of Stock in Trade and the beer stain on his boat shoes equally. He’s also your coworker, so you can thank him for that second keg in your office.
How to deal with this: Ask if you can come to Equinox as his guest one of these days. Do you know how expensive that membership is?!
How NOT to deal with this: Challenge him to a casual game of beer pong after work on Friday. Beer pong is never a casual affair, and you will definitely, definitely lose.
The Fuccgirl
Let’s not forget about the female counterparts in this phenomenon. She’s got Drake on her home screen, lock screen and phone case. You definitely saw her at the Drakeparty.net In My Feelings night at Mighty a couple of weekends ago. At the moment, she’s furiously trying to find the sequined Ivy Park hoodie Oprah wore last month (seriously — it’s amazing).
How to deal with this: Have a lively debate over which Drake album is best before jointly settling on Take Care. Ditch ramen for the Cheesecake Factory (Drake’s favorite restaurant), and have a listening party while scrolling through Kim Kardashian’s Instagram.
How NOT to deal with this: Say that Pusha T won the beef with Drake. Just shut up. You don’t know anything, OK?!
The “Did You Know I’m a Feminist?” Fuccboi
His Tinder profile picture is of him at the Women’s March. His bio is a series of raised-fist emojis — possibly in medium skin tone. He loves discussing (read: mansplaining) his stance on abortion but never actually asks your opinion. And as a true proprietor of justice and honesty, he’s ghosting a girl while waiting to meet up with a different one for dinner while DM’ing the first girl about her IG story.
How to deal with this: Ask him if he’s going to the Planned Parenthood talk next week at the Nourse Theater. Oh, he didn’t know there was a talk? Ohhhh, he didn’t know he could donate?
How NOT to deal with this: Honestly, this type of fuccboi annoys the hell out of me, so I don’t know what to tell you. Deal with this one any way you can.
The “Yeezy Taught Me” Fuccboi
This boi has push notifications turned on for every time Kanye tweets and will interrupt you to read said tweet out loud. He just got back from a secret Kanye pop-up store in Chinatown, where he waited three hours in line to get a shirt that was three sizes too big (but it’s OK— he’ll flip it). He asks if you can enter your name in a raffle on Kanye’s Instagram (he’s back on Insta now!) to get the new Yeezys. He admits they’re pretty ugly, but it’s Kanye, so it’s fashion.
How to deal with this: Enter the raffle, and debate what Kanye was doing at the Hillsdale Shopping Center in San Mateo a couple of weeks ago (yeah, you follow his Twitter too).
How not to deal with this: Secretly record him saying that Yeezys are ugly, post it to your Instagram, and tag @kanyewest. Nobody likes beef — especially when Kanye is involved.
The “This Is Giving Me Life” Fuccboi
Sometimes known as basic, these fuccbois are next level. They only go to the same two to three places to eat. They unironically wear branded SoulCycle gear in non-workout settings. And they’re currently FaceTiming their BFF who is two minutes away in an Uber to talk about how many Pumpkin Pie Halo Top pints to pick up from Whole Foods after dinner.
How to deal with this: Ask if you can join in on their Saturday routine and have a productive morning for once. You’ll get to do a workout together, followed by brunch, and eating bacon is allowed on weekends, so you’ll feel amazing.
How not to deal with this: Say that red velvet is the best flavor of Halo Top. Everyone knows it’s pumpkin pie. Everyone.
The “My Parents Got a Bigger Pool Than Ye” Fuccboi
He really wants to be hard. He’s got the KAWS x Uniqlo collab shirt from the suburban mall he lives (and works) five minutes away from. His Instagram posts pull hundreds of likes (along with hundreds of hashtags). But he still needs to make curfew, so he’s asking you if his parents’ car will be OK in the TL while he goes to the Warfield. Oh, and where’s the nearest CVS? He needs Rohto.
How to deal with this: As long as he’s coherent enough, point him toward the Powell Street Walgreens, and tell him to move his car. You know this was you when you were younger.
How not to deal with this: Lecture him about how back in your day, you had to take BART to go anywhere in the city, and you had to sneak your weed into concerts ’cause it was illegal. Don’t be a parent right now — nobody likes that.
The Fuccparents
This duo knows their lifestyle doesn’t reflect that of a fuccboi anymore, but that doesn’t mean their kid can’t be dripping in finesse. They’ve already put the latest Nikes on her and have the rest of the kids’ sizes in a giant bag in the stroller. She’s sweating from wearing so many clothes, but they just say, “Do you see this fog? You need to stay warm!” Then they do a photoshoot of her standing next to the murals in Clarion Alley.
How to deal with this: Ask what the kid’s Instagram account is (you know there is one), and follow it. It could offer useful fashion advice or at least a new feed to scroll through.
How not to deal with this: Ask them how much money they’ve spent on shoes that the kid is going to outgrow in a few months and whether they should’ve put that money instead into a 529 plan. We all know the answer.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring Aarti Shahani, technology reporter at NPR. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
