A healthy morning routine is critical to winning. It doesn’t matter if you begin each day with yoga, SoulCycle or doing yoga while SoulCycling — having a morning routine can help you crush the day and also some pistachios if you’re into that sort of thing.
We sat down with some of San Francisco’s everyday ultra-average people to hear how their morning routines help them beat life at life.
Kevin Wilcox, 22, Start-up Founder
“My mornings are sacred to me. And by that, I mean praying to my Series A investors.I begin by lighting two Soylent-scented candles and then proceed to visualize my start-up’s monthly active users naked while chanting mantras fromAtlas Shrugged.I do this orgasmic activity for only five minutes and then immediately hop onto my treadmill desk to block out my calendar for 2021. After my candle à la treadmill workout, I do lunges until I reach my infrared sauna, a sweat-sucking vortex manufactured with the tears of Elon Musk. It helps me sweat out all my toxins and humanity. This is an essential part of my morning routine, ultimately helping me become an effective CEO and asshole.”
Whitney McIntosh, 28, SVP of Product Marketing
“Ever since I was a young fetus, I’ve always dreamed of one day making it to the C-suite. My stints at Harvard, Harvard Business School and an Improv 101 workshop weren’t all just for nothing. Through it all, the one thing that I attribute my success to is my morning routine of Hot SoulCycle Yoga. It’s a new fitness program designed to make you feel as close as possible to dying. Peddling breathlessly while maintaining a warrior’s pose sometimes really makes me want to kill myself, as if listening to Darude’s Sandstorm wasn’t sufficient enough. But boy, does it get me ready for the day! Waking up every morning to a near-death experience jump-starts my business-oriented avatar, an inner spirit that’s already dead. At the end of the day, I’m just your ultra-average girl from next door who also drives a Lamborghini.”
Philip Gauss, 31, Designer
“There must be intent behind every action, form behind every function. I’m an ärtisté, a biological form that follows the function of ärt. That said, my morning routine is just two hours of me making the perfect cup of coffee. I start out by counting exactly 35 coffee beans while my vibrations synchronize with my poster of Steve Jobs. It cannot be one more or one fewer than 35 coffee beans, or else I’d get punished by the pour-over coffee gods. Before I consume my coffee, I place it on my wooden table next to a brown leather Moleskin. This then becomes the perfect backdrop for an Instagram photo, not to also mention a personal Pinterest-esque sexual fetish. I repeat this process 50 times because I’m an ärtisté. As Steve Jobs would’ve probably said, design lies at the intersection of technology and self-righteousness. Please follow me on Instagram at @CoolDesignerSanFranciscoAluminium. I have seven followers.”
