By Kayla Lott
It’s Friday (ok, it’s Tuesday but who’s counting?) so you obviously have plans to get dinner and drinks later. At least you did, until your friend lost momentum and switched pants. Once the work pants to home pants transition happens, it’s all over. No one wants to have their fun schedule set in stone, but lately it seems as though no one in SF can keep a plan if their life depended on it. Maybe it’s because there’s so much going on or maybe it’s just too easy to cancel. It’s just: beep bop beep bop — send a quick text and whatever you were supposed to do is postponed to never. Let’s take a look at the type of friends we got going on in this crazy social flake fest we live in.
The SERIAL SOCIALITE
This is that person who makes multiple plans with multiple people she will inevitably ditch for some new last minute plan. This is your super fun, single friend who you rarely see because she’s too busy figuring out what plan is going to maximize her chances of meeting a dude. She’s keeping her options open (among other things). If she’s coming to your party, she’s gonna need a full evening roster prior to attending.
The BOSOM BUDDY
The bosom buddy reflects your own flakiness so perfectly. You both had intentions to meet up, but then she got tired and you’re probably coming down with something. Yeah, something is definitely going around. It’s basically a game of flaky chicken. So neither of you confirm nor cancel plans. Just good ol’ radio silence. Then you guys ignore that you even had plans in the first place. This was nice! Can’t wait to make plans to not hang out again!
The “STILL FUN” COUPLE
Everybody knows that couple who makes an appearance every so often to compensate for all the future times “they’ll try to make it out.” When they actually do come out, you get crazy excited. Fireball shots for everyone! Then you quickly remember why they never come out as their tired eyes plead with you to call it a night before midnight so they can go home and finish The West Wing while they’re still young.
The PERMA-HUNGOVER
This is your pal who was totally coming out until he accidentally got day drunk. Consider yourself lucky if this person even sends a flake text. It’s not so much that he backed out as blacked out. It’s cool, though. Once you saw his Biergarten Instagram you immediately started to make other plans. BTW — if you make plans with someone over cocktails, by SF law, your plans are flake-worthy.
The STREET ACQUAINTANCE
God bless the “friend” you ran into and made plans with in order to END the small talk. (Right before you awkwardly walked away in the same direction.) So now you two have indefinite plans to meet up someday that neither of you have the slightest intention of keeping.
The HABITUAL HOMEBODY
This is the one who’s constantly on the verge of flaking. He could be reconvinced to go out, but then he just procrastinates into oblivion. “Just five more minutes.” When he’s not delaying, your plans are “weather permitting.” Sorry, but getting “fogged in” isn’t really a valid excuse.
The SELF-INFLICTED WORKAHOLIC
This guy or gal doesn’t realize that if these banner ads don’t get done yesterday then there will be absolutely no repercussions. Aw, we feel so bad for you that you have to stay late even though we all know it’s because you can expense food and cabs after 8 p.m. This guy has even been known to use a fake work excuse thinking no one will suspect a thing. Fake banner ads? Wrong on so many levels.
The poor CITY PARENTS
It’s not their fault they missed your dog’s fourth birthday party. They had a baby, creating the most genius excuse of all time. There’s just no arguing with a baby excuse. Baby something fever something. The new parents might be the flakiest of all your friends, but when they aren’t flaking they are goin’ HAM. They will drink you under the table. IT’S THEIR TIME, DAMMIT.
The OBSESSIVE NEW GF
Your gal pal is unavailable until further notice. The thing about your friend in that new relationship and Girls’ Night is that she’s not coming. Sure you had those plans for months in advance, but that was before her new boyfriend had a rough day at work and needed her support. Don’t worry she’ll be back to regularly scheduled events once she’s ready to talk about how she hates her not-so-new boyfriend.
The ETERNAL MESS
This is the person you know who dropped their phone in the albino alligator exhibit at the California Academy of Sciences again or had to take their dog to the vet after it ate an entire pack of cigarettes. Whatever the case, they’re just a constant shit show. Making plans with this friend is a real gamble, but when they do show up you’re in for some wild tales.
In the new year, maybe we could all make a little more effort to keep the plans we make, or better yet, not make plans we know we won’t keep. Maybe? TBD? Just text me later.
