by Chin Lu • Illustrated by Andrea D’Aquino
Between my single female friends and me, I think we have every online dating site covered. Most of us hadn’t ventured into digital courtships before moving to San Francisco, but each time a new service emerges we pass it around like an underground CD back in the day, asking, “Have you heard about this yet?” Over brunch and cocktails we exchange war stories — and occasionally triumphs of romance.
While online dating has made the personal ad process so much more convenient, you still have to actually browse through a sea of profiles in order to meet someone. When I find a guy who catches my eye, or if someone interesting messages me, very often I’ll email my friends the links or screenshots of his profile and ask, “Should I go out with him?” or “Um, seriously?” My fellow scouts also forward me their finds, so I feel like I must have scrolled through at least one-third of the entire Bay Area’s single straight male population by now.
After a while, I started to notice certain patterns among these guys … well, in their online presence, anyway. Like any good marine biologist, I have diligently jotted down identifying descriptions of the most common categories of dudes my friends and I have encountered.
Here is a summary of my field notes:
The Guy You Already Know
He could be your neighbor, that dude you see on the bus all the
time, your coworker, your boss (ewww), your ex’s friend, or —
awkwardness alert — your ex.
Possible Pros: Maybe you totally thought he was cute, but you
weren’t sure if he was looking. Now’s your chance! And even
if you’re not into him like that, you can now openly commiserate
about being single — and then help set each other up with friends.
Possible Cons: You end up taking a giant dump where you eat.
And if it’s against the rules to date your friend’s ex, then what
kind of guy would go out with his bro’s ex-girlfriend?
THE SKETCHY AS HELL GUY
His profile is nearly empty. You barely know anything about him besides the fact that he likes Game of Thrones — but doesn’t everyone? His face is somehow obscured in all of his photos. You wonder if this is done on purpose so you won’t be able to identify him in a row of suspects later. Oh, and his perfect date idea reads something like “Hiking up Twin Peaks to watch the sunset together” — that is, where there’s poor cellphone reception and no one can hear you scream on a windy day.
Possible Pros: Maybe he is the strong, silent type. And he really does like hiking.
Possible Cons: You ending up on the local nightly news.
The Guy Who Just Moved Here
San Francisco is one of the top living destinations in the country, and
here’s this fresh meat saying that he wants to “explore this amazing city”
together with you.
Possible Pros: Living in a city hardens a person. Snatch up this non-jaded
man before he’s corrupted and tainted forever.
Possible Cons: Chances are he has no friends here and no idea how to avoid
the touristy spots like Fisherman’s Wharf. You might feel more like his personal
tour guide than his date.
The Artist
He’s superbly well dressed, or at least has a certain je ne sais quoi about him. He says he practically lives at the Roxie Theater, and his lists of favorite books are all those critically acclaimed titles that you’ve never actually gotten around to. At least one of his profile pictures is an Instagram or a hi-res photo that was taken with a DSLR.
Possible Pros: He could be a really extraordinary artist who can actually make a living from his work.
Possible Cons: He could really just be fun-employed. Ask yourself, do you really want to discuss philosophy at 3 a.m. and make out on a futon?
The “Work Hard, Play Hard” Guy
He works in finance or tech, or he’s the founder of a start-up.
Listed interests include his career of choice, “living/chasing
the dream,” and hitting the gym.
Possible Pros:
He’s confident and ambitious, and that’s hot. He also has all the
money in the world to take you out. Hello, Michelin-starred restaurants.
Possible Cons:
Work always comes first, so he actually does not have the time
to take you out. He might shoot you a “Sorry, babe. Work is
running over. Rain check?” text an hour before your Gary Danko
reservation. Also, what if this is just business networking for him?
The New Age Hippie
Gluten-free vegan whose smile is so … Zen. He quotes Gandhi, the Dalai Lama, or John Muir in his profile, and his favorite spots in the city are Mission Cliffs, Yoga to the People, and his own vegetable garden.
Possible Pros: Isn’t it nice to date someone full of peace and love, with a focus on balance in life? And he’s so “in tune” that he might make you achieve nirvana. Multiple times.
Possible Cons: His Third Eye is so judgmental. He says he’s disappointed when you would rather eat a giant burrito filled with nonorganic meat than go on another meditation date to Mission Dharma.
guy who seems too
good to be true
He looks great in all the photos. His profile descriptions make
you giggle. He has a stable career AND wants the same kind of
relationship as you do?! Suddenly you want to play Rihanna’s
“Where Have You Been?” and dance it out.
Possible Pros: Hey, maybe Ryan Gosling/Joseph Gordon-Levitt/
insert your fantasy celebrity husband here does have a secret
twin after all.
Possible Cons: Soooooo … you’ve heard of Catfish, right?
The Generic Nice Guy
Average across all criteria. Not bad enough to exclaim, “Ugh, absolutely not!” but also not good enough to entice you to message him right away. Yet, he seems … nice enough.
Possible Pros: Your friend said to give him a chance to prove himself in person. Maybe he’s really super awesome IRL.
Possible Cons: If you’re only meh about his profile, a date with him might be a total waste of your time and efforts as well.
The Borderline Age-
Inappropriate Guy
Age is just a number, but either he’s old enough to be your dad
or so young that you have to explain who your childhood idol
is to him: “… so Alanis Morissette is like Pink, but much darker.”
BUT he seems so great that you keep asking everyone, “That’s
not that old/young, is it?” Then you google the equation for
calculating your minimum dating age. (It’s your age divided by
two, plus seven years, by the way.)
Possible Pros: An older man can be experienced, sophisticated,
and still young at heart, while a younger man can be full of vibrant
energy but also reliable and considerate, right? Yes, I just made
subtle reference to how they might perform in bed.
Possible Cons: If it doesn’t work out, then your friends have the
right to say, “I told you so, Cradle Robber” or “I mean, does
his thing even work?”
The Badly Presented Guy
I work in the advertising industry, and occasionally I want to contact someone online just to say, “Dude, your profile needs a makeover.” He seems pretty decent, but why are there pictures of him holding a baby or embracing a hot woman without any explanation? Is that his baby and his baby mama? I don’t know! As for the written text, intrigue a lady and personalize your profile to be unique, but leave something in your background for her to discover later. For instance, I may also enjoy a Taylor Swift song from time to time, but is that really one of the first things you want me to know about you?
Possible Pros: He’s only bad at marketing himself, and he’s smart at everything else in life.
Possible Cons: He’s terrible at a lot of things.
Bonus: The Traveler
Either his job requires him to go on business trips all the time,
or his profile reads like a single-issue party platform: “loves to travel,”
“bitten by the travel bug,” “full of wanderlust,” and “looking for
an adventurous traveling partner.” His profile pictures remind you of
Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego.
Possible Pros: Cue that scene from Aladdin: “I can show you
the world…”
Possible Cons: Seems rather difficult dating someone who’s,
um, not here with you very often.
Do It Yourself
Fellow online daters, please help me complete my guide and let me know if I’ve missed any notable creatures. And feel free to add the common types you’ve run into from the gay/straight communities not repped here.
