The Weirdest Shit to Come Out of Silicon Valley

Happy belated Halloween —did you dress up as a Karen? A postal worker? A masked superhero? Someone from Animal Crossing? Last year, an Elizabeth Holmes was a techie costume highlight, but it’s a free for all in 2020…

The same applies in Silicon Valley, as we all know. Before we dive into a review of the strangest things to come out of the tech world in October, let’s first play our monthly Two Truths and a Lie, Silicon Valley Startup Edition.

This time, we’re focusing on the world of fertility startups, in case all those babies in pumpkins are giving you baby fever. Which of the following startups is fake?

• A company that modifies spider silk to strengthen embryos.
• A company that tells women the age of their eggs.
• A company that harvests human egg cells from skin cells.

(Scroll to the bottom for the answers.)

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Now, let’s get to it.

Know of some ridic stuff happening in tech? Email, DM, or tweet me to include it in next month’s edition.

The MmHmm app targets Zoom boredom

Sick of those hour-long Zoom meetings? You’re not alone. What started as a fun novelty has quickly become screen overload for many. Phil Libin, the founder of Evernote, decided to tackle this an unusual way, reports the San Francisco Chronicle. He developed a “body double” that replaced his face on screen, allowing him to chillax while his fake self feigned interest. The fake Phil was so well received that he turned his project into Mmhmm, an invite-only Mac app. Mmhmm lets people create their own body doubles, as well as provides options to jazz up your on-screen video — beyond the “look at my quirky background” option offered by Zoom. With video calls forcing everyone to be a “performer” — why not give them the tools that performers enjoy? Anything to make that two-hour standup feel shorter works for me.

Slack’s Cole Haan sneakers

Slack’s been a Silicon Valley darling for yearrrssss now, reaching unicorn status in 2015, but it’s known for serving a necessary but utilitarian purpose, not for its cutting-edge innovations or emoji library. Sure, they have a nice “millennial” bright design, and by many accounts, are an awesome place for women to work at, but as for their cool quotient… not so much. Since no one likes being the dorky younger brother, Slack’s trying to promote that not only are they useful, they’re cool, too. Yeah, we all know how that works out… So, the company teamed up with Cole Haan, known for their well-made but overpriced togs, who also need a little help in the “cool” department, reports GQ.

The result is the $120 Cole Haan Slack Generation Zerogrand sneaker, available in green, blue, yellow, and red, colorways that match the Slack logo. “Our limited-edition collab isn’t just two great brands coming together, it’s a vibrant example of how Slack is everything you need to get your work done,” the product description says. Apparently working from home has a “look” now. Startup chic for everyone? I don’t hate the design, but it’s hard to show off your Silicon Valley slides when, like, no one is really going out.

Ring’s in-home drone security camera

Everyone wants to feel safe in their homes. On the few times we venture outdoors these days, we want to know our pad is secure. In San Francisco, home burglaries are up 42% during the first nine months of 2020, so I get the appeal of better home protection tech. But — of course, there’s a but — I’m not convinced that the Ring Always Home Cam, a house-patrolling baby drone is the answer. Ring, known for its huge line of security cameras and fancy doorbells, has decided that people need an aerial indoor view to feel secure, reports Dezeen.

Their $249.99 indoor drone is fully autonomous and will zip around your house, checking everything is A-OK, in addition to letting you check out each individual room — y’ know, in case the house cleaner is just napping on their shift, or your neighbor forgot to water those plants, or something that feels fit for a Karen. The drone can dock and charge itself, which is nice, but as someone who went through an intense drone phase from 2016–18, I have serious reservations about this, on the ceilings, door frames, clutter level. It’s a small drone, which means it’s equipped with less tech than a bigger (more expensive) drone, and a teeny tiny battery life (around five minutes). The drone comes with protective propeller guards to keep pets and fingers safe, but unless you have some Zuckerberg-worthy abode, I don’t see it cutting it in a one-bedroom apartment. Then again, I’m probably not the right audience for this…

Major cock block

For years, certain folks have gotten turned on by having their partner (or dominatrix) place their crown jewels in a metal cage. The waiting can be tantalizing; think of the buildup when you’re finally freed! Obviously, a Chubb lock isn’t going to cut it in this day and age, so many of these chastity cages now come with a tech-slant. The CellMate Chastity Cage locks and unlocks via an app. Problem is, Pen Test Partners has noted some vulnerabilities in the API, including that requests can be made without authentication, meaning you can be trapped without your consent — and the hacker walks off with your personal data as well, reports Vice. As the CellMate has no manual override, the only way to free yourself would be to hacksaw your privates. Yeesh. No penises are reported to have been trapped so far, but you don’t want to be the first… [This vulnerability has now been fixed, but it took a reporter to make that happen…]

Answers to Two Truths and a Lie: The spider silk startup is the fake one. Ivy Natal is developing the egg cells from skin cells solution, and Egg-Q predicts egg-age based on a home-testing kit.