Photoshop by Nicole Clark
Season 2 of Stranger Things is out in the world after the longest year ever of waiting. While it’s been a blessing and a treat to revisit our favorite conquerers of the Upside Down, finishing the follow-up season to the Netflix smash hit begs the question, what would you do if you ran into a demogorgon in real life? Maybe you’re a baseball-bat swinger; maybe you’re a fierce sneaker-clad face-kicker. Regardless of your MO, there are still going to be places where you’ll be incredibly sorry that the demogorgon pierced through the line between our worlds — and some of the worst places for this face-off are in the Bay Area.
Waiting in Line for the Cable Car at Powell during the Weekend
When your aunt comes to visit for the holiday weekend, whatever you do, do not take her on a cable car on Powell Street. That line will get backed up; the street artists will appear and begin tap-dancing; and then a demogorgon will show up, and you’ll be stuck between your aunt and a family from Minnesota who just really wanted to do “the most San Francisco thing they could think of.” There will be no moving from your seat, so you’ll just have to surrender to the gods of the Upside Down.
On the Lake Merritt Gondola
Sure, taking your lady for a nice boat ride sounds like a good idea when you make date plans. But factor in that she’ll probably tell you that bringing a nail-studded baseball bat on a gondola ride is silly, so you’ll leave it in the car. And when D’Artagnan’s cousin crawls up out of the water, you’re going to have time for one last “I fucking told you, Karen” before you’re both pulled into the Upside Down.
Top of Coit Tower
This may be a destination for some particularly adventurous voyeurism, but you should definitely not get caught with your pants down at the top of Coit Tower when a demogorgon arrives. Where will you go? How will you get your dick back in your pants without losing it to a sci-fi face-splitter? The only place to go is down, and, well…I’m sorry, friend, but the answer to that last part is “you won’t.”
The BART Tunnel under the Bay during Rush Hour
You can’t reach up to scratch your nose on BART while riding between 4:30 and 6:00 p.m. It’s a feat of the human psyche to be that packed on a train hurtling 60 mph under a body of water without freaking out, never mind when it gets backed up because of mechanical issues. Now add six feet of inter-dimensional monster with a taste for human, and you’ve got yourself a real cluster fuck—never mind what the man in a suit next to you muttered when the conductor came over the PA.
Conservatory of Flowers
Some of the more exotic flora on display at the Conservatory of Flowers already look like something from a Ridley Scott movie (or like that one ex you’d rather forget about), but what happens when you’re in the water-plant wing, and what you thought was a particularly ugly water lily ends up biting your face off? No amount of palm-frond peeping is worth that kind of pain.
Pier 39
Look, I’m not going to judge you for this one. We all need to get down with our inner tourist and enjoy a sourdough bread bowl full of chowder. Even demogorgons may pass up on the smorgasbord of tourists in favor of Boudin’s best. Totally kidding — they’re gonna devour you and then get the hell out of there in case the seagulls notice them, because San Francisco seagulls are nothing to fuck with.
