When I moved to San Francisco, I could hardly afford to live anywhere. I was ecstatic when I finally found a tiny place in Civic Center close to BART and the city’s “cultural hub.” But it took only five minutes and a step out the door to dampen my excitement. “This,” I realized, “is what it means to live in a city. This is the price to pay for finding a home.”
I have a lot of feelings about street harassment, but today I am not going to dissect those feelings. A number of pioneering women have already done that and will continue to describe it in ways that are more eloquent than I am capable of articulating. Today I’m going to give you advice on how to deal with street harassment on the basis of things I have actually done.
Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
Strategy #1: Pretend You Work There
When to use: When you’re dressed like you work in tech
Example: Getting followed when I left my building was a regular occurrence. I tested a few different options — I wore no makeup, I dressed to look as frumpy as possible — before realizing I needed a better option.
That day I was wearing my “prisoner on recreation” outfit — sweats on the top and the bottom — when an old man in a bandana began following me and asking for my number. I was at once horrified and impressed by his persistence. “Hello, you look like you’d be good at cooking. Can I have your number? Hi, can you hear me? Your hair looks nice. Can I have your number? Hello, I have a hard time meeting women. Can I have your number?” After a while his sentences became less distinguishable and blurred into the single “Hi! You have a vagina. Give me your number!!!”
I did not give him my number. Instead, I went into the Twitter office and followed a group of employees into an elevator. He may have still waved goodbye, but I finally got to stop trembling.
Bonus points because I got to see Twitter’s really dope rooftop patio before getting asked to leave. Without my Patagonia, it was clear I didn’t work there.
Strategy #2: I’m Listening to Music
When to use: Always
Example: I always have my earbuds in, but my music is never on when I’m walking around the city. I need to know what’s going on around me. But street harassers don’t know that. And why toss comments at someone who can’t hear them? Inevitably, there are those trailblazers who just shout a little louder. There are also those trailblazers who write entire articles about how to approach women wearing headphones. But I act like I can’t hear them either.
Strategy #3: Manic Expressions
When to use: When someone is asking you to smile
Example: I’m walking down Mission Street, and someone drops the “You’d look better if you smiled, baby.” So, of course, I oblige by laying a smile on them, because what’s a girl to do? You have some options here. Smile so aggressively you look vaguely unhinged, like a cartoon character on acid. Alternatively, raise your upper lip to ooze some type of seductive chipmunk ethos. The options are really limitless and can be customized with your full creative preference.
Strategy #4: Making Strange Noises Is Your Friend
When to use: When you have nowhere to hide
Example: I was walking home from 24 Hour Fitness when someone decided to compliment my ass. I forgot to express gratitude for this act of charity, so my lovely new friend decided to follow me until I learned my lesson. After growing tired of it, I started making sheep noises. He immediately stopped following me.
Alternatively, pretend that someone is continually telling you a really good joke. Chuckling to yourself every few steps seems to do the trick.
Strategy #5: Is This Lip Gloss or Pepper Spray?
When to use: When someone is too close for comfort and you forgot your real pepper spray
Example: Someone menacingly closes in on your personal bubble. Grab your lip gloss from your backpack. Hold the colorful part with your fist to cover it, and put your finger over the black cap. Claim “I have pepper spray” as boldly as possible. Watch your enemies scatter.
Strategy #5: Police on Speed Dial
When to use: When in mortal danger
Example: On the first day I emerged from the Civic Center BART Station, I heard a gruff man’s voice behind me. “Fill my Clipper card, bitch,” the voice said. I did not turn around, which seemed like a pretty obvious thing to do. As I walked I felt something slim and sharp strike the back of my head before it fell to the floor. I kept walking. “You dropped my Clipper card, bitch!” the voice said. I kept walking. I still did not turn around. “I WILL FUCKING CUT YOUR HEAD OFF, BITCH” the voice insisted.
At this point I took out my phone and said into it, “Hello? San Francisco police? Yes …” Magically, whoever was bothering me disappeared. I didn’t even have to dial the number.
On a more serious note, I would definitely suggest having the number for the police in your phone. Your personal safety is not a joke.
Strategy #6: Dude Friend
When to use: As often as humanly possible
Example: This city is full of dudes. Make one your friend! Take him with you everywhere. The unwanted comments will significantly decrease. And if they don’t, at least you made a new friend.
For those of you moving to a city for the first time, I really hope this helped. Don’t let street harassment scare you from living in the city you love. I love San Francisco. I love the urban density and the way various neighborhoods promise limitless options in tight quarters. I love the copious landmarks and shocking amounts of green.
San Francisco has not only helped me finesse my “Don’t touch me” face but also taught me how to make unwanted humans fuck off. If I can do it, so can you.
