In case you forgot, this Sunday is Mother’s Day, and since recreational marijuana is now legal, you should probably take this as an opportunity to get your mom stoned off her gourd.
We’ve compiled a few hot tips for you to keep in mind when going on your mother-son/daughter ganja adventure. Please enjoy.
Don’t Get Your Mom Too High
With today’s potent super-weed, you need to make sure your mom doesn’t get in over her head. Maybe the last time the old gal tried marijuana was 1986, and it was all dry stems and seeds she bought from a guy at an R.E.M. show. Please don’t give her a dab hit. She may get so high that she’ll divulge that you were conceived in the backseat of your dad’s car during a drive-in-movie showing of Ghostbusters 2.
Take Her Shopping
It’s time to show mother dearest how clean and legitimate many of SF’s fine dispensaries can be these days. Take her somewhere where she can purchase the cannabis product that’s right for her. For crying out loud, most dispensaries in SF look almost like a Whole Foods or a Bed, Bath & Beyond. Try the Apothecarium in the Castro, Harvest in the Mission or Purple Star on Mission Street, where the friendly staff will no doubt find something her speed.
Edibles or Bust
Again, maybe your mom doesn’t want to light up a big doober like those Cheech and Chong guys. If she prefers not to smoke anything, there is an array of alternatives she can try. Edibles are prefect if you educate her on the correct dose to take—you don’t want her hiding under the kitchen table in the midst of a magic-brownie frenzy. Opt for chocolate-covered blueberries—she can pop one and be done. Or give marijuana-infused teas a whirl if she wants a more refined approach. Plus, you could use that as a gateway to get your bubbe stoned. She’ll be the life of the retirement village.
Or, Perhaps, Vape
If your mom really wants to get to outer space, suggest a vape pen. “This is how Dr. Spock gets high, Mom!” One brand I suggest is the dosist vape pen—1) because it looks like a tampon from the future; and 2) they have vape pens for specific reactions, such as bliss, calm, sleep and—most importantly—passion. The container for the pen genuinely looks like medicine from a Philip K. Dick novel. I highly recommend this.
What to Do
The safest bet is to stay home, get comfy in the living room and laugh about stupid family stuff. But if you and your mom happen to be out and about, check out The Bold Italic’s best (and worst) museums to wander through when you’re high. My personal favorite is an excursion to the California Academy of Sciences, where the astronomy shows are a real hoot when you’re blitzed on cannabis treats. Bring a laser pointer and point it at the presenter’s crotch as you navigate the galaxy projected onto the majestic dome of the Morrison Planetarium, and make sure to always yell, “Show me Uranus!” at the top of your lungs. That’s what my mom and I do every Mother’s Day, and I would like to share this tradition with you.
Prepare Munchie-Worthy Food
Everyone should make their mom a fancy dinner from time to time, especially on Mother’s Day. After all, she toiled over a hot stove for your ungrateful ass for years. When it comes to what will satisfy a munchie fix, we recommend going for a nice, hearty lasagna. You’ll put your siblings to shame with your culinary gesture of appreciation. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what you cook, because she will be so wicked stoned that she could eat a coaster and think it was delicious.
The Big Finale
For dessert, I suggest preparing chocolate-chip scones with vanilla ice cream served with a cup of decaf coffee—specific, I know, but just trust me. During this time is when you’ll produce that handmade Mother’s Day card, and—KRRANG!—you just won Mother’s Day forever.
Hey! The Bold Italic recently launched a podcast, This Is Your Life in Silicon Valley. Check out the full season or listen to the episode below featuring mayoral candidate and writer Broke-Ass Stuart. More coming soon, so stay tuned!
