By Alison Stevenson

I moved back to my home city of Los Angeles around three years ago. I was living in the Bay Area before this, and I find myself still frequenting the Bay. I take that Megabus up north at least once a month. Not only do I have family up north and want to keep performing at the places I started doing stand-up comedy, I also just plain miss it up there.

I really dreaded moving back to Los Angeles. I expected the worst. I had never experienced the city as an adult, so my impression of what it would be like was basically what I remembered from growing up in the valley. The San Fernando Valley is a horrible representation of Los Angeles. It’s where Los Angeles goes to die. Now that I have experienced Los Angeles more properly, I find myself liking it a lot. When I’m in San Francisco, there are even things I miss about LA.

So here is a list of things I miss about each city, while I’m in the other one. I tried to avoid the cliché stuff, but I’ll note that the cliché stuff rings true for me too. For instance: San Francisco fog, Folsom Street Fair, and not having to drive everywhere. Los Angeles beaches and earthquake panic. All that typical stuff I still miss.

Things I Miss About San Francisco:

1. Organic Kale Smoothies with Chia Seeds.

Honestly, you’d think Los Angeles wouldn’t be so ass backwards with the times, but its inability to include chia seeds in my organic kale smoothie is insulting.

2. Passion for Local Beer.

When I eavesdrop on conversations in Los Angeles bars, the small talk almost never has anything to do with the taste of beer. How can you not delve into great detail about how many hops are needed for hop to be so hoppy? How do these freaks drink beer and not care where it’s made or who made it? San Francisco residents can tell you everything about their beer, and they tell it to you with immense pride.

3. People Have an Interest in Things Other Than Themselves.

Once a conversation about local beer is finished, people in San Francisco tend to move on to talking about things such as art, culture, and sometimes even politics or world change. During this conversation almost no one brings up a “project they’re working on” or asks “Can you introduce me to the person who worked on that?”

4. Dogs.

San Francisco dogs are some of the best goddamn dogs to exist. Every bar, restaurant, or store you walk in to, you see some sort of cool dog. From the really old, kinda grumpy dogs to the young and fun pups. Los Angeles dogs just don’t compare. They’re usually small and are stuffed in a handbag of some sort. I miss the days when I could walk down a street and say hello to dogs of all shapes and sizes.

5. Dive Bars.

I guess since I keep bringing up bars, I might as well just throw dive bars into the mix. Dive bars in San Francisco are just plain better. Perhaps because they are legit dives and not just made to look like one. The drinks are genuinely cheaper and the people who frequent them tend to be more social. I miss being in SF and wandering into a random bar at 2 in the afternoon. Not only would it be pretty packed, but I’d be approached within minutes by a friendly person who wanted to talk to me about something or other.

6. Good Vibrations.

Hands down, the best best place to buy vibrators. However, Good Vibes is more than a store. It has workshops and classes that promote sexual empowerment for women and men. It even created monthlong celebrations such as “Masturbation Month” in May. No sex shop in Los Angeles compares to Good Vibrations.

7. Hating Los Angeles.

One of the first things I noticed when I moved to the Bay is how much San Francisco despises Los Angeles. Personally, I love to join in on the bashing. Yeah, those airheads think they’re so cool with their entertainment industry and their stupid cars and that goddamned blaring hot sun.

8. Few Chain Restaurants.

I miss restaurants being one-of-a-kind, or at least a small local chain. Maybe it’s me being smug, but the food does end up tasting better. Bay Area burritos, Indian food, and Thai food completely trump Los Angeles’ version of these things.

9. Used Bookstores.

This is something I really miss. Sure, LA has good used bookstores but they’re not as bountiful as in San Francisco. Green Apple, Dog Eared, Aardvark, Borderlands, etc. I remember walking into these stores and being able to actually find good deals on great books. Interesting books. Books I did not set out to buy, ones that managed to find their way into my life. A quick BART ride and I could find equally amazing used books in both Oakland and Berkeley. I miss when I could spend a day getting two graphic novels and a book about UFO conspiracy theories for under $15.

Things I Miss About Los Angeles:

1. Kale Smoothies Without Chia Seeds.

I forget how much I hate those chia seeds. How do they get stuck in your teeth so easily? Why do they feel like fish eggs, yet taste like an old tree?

2. Talking About Myself.

Yes, I get it. Bush ruined everything. Yes, Marina Abramovic is so present. What about me, though? Don’t you want to know what I’m doing with my life? I got a callback for that sitcom. I might maybe be famous. What’s the point of doing these things if I don’t get to rub it in your face?

3. Chipotle.

I know San Francisco does have some Chipotles. Los Angeles, however, has a lot of them. As I stated earlier, San Francisco has the best burritos. However, I can’t help my Chipotle cravings. It’s a sickness. I hate that I have to go to the financial district if I’m really craving that guacamole of theirs. In Los Angeles, I can walk to Chipotle from my apartment. Learning this upon moving back made me believe in love again.

4. Most Places Aren’t Cash Only.

Sometimes I want to go out and not have to use the ATM. Sometimes I’m okay with purchasing drinks on my card, even when there’s a minimum. I’ve never been one to carry cash with me all the time. In San Francisco, not having cash is a serious hassle.

5. Malls.

All right, hear me out. Malls are horrific, sure. However, sometimes I just want a basic shirt or plain leggings and don’t want to pay a lot of money for them. San Francisco has some of the best thrift stores and vintage stores I have ever been to. The thing is, though, it’s hard for the majority of your clothing to be vintage or secondhand. The boutique stores? Forget it. I’m not buying a pair of underwear for $20. My only salvation in SF was shopping on Powell street if I wanted to get some affordable basic clothes, yet the immense amount of tourists made it worse than the malls in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles, I can find a bra for $10. In San Francisco, this simple task was a lot more difficult.

6. Loving Los Angeles.

Inhabitants of Los Angeles love living in Los Angeles. They never want to commiserate over anything. I complain about how hot it is and they say something like, “Where I’m from it’s snowing.” Why are they all so happy? They even love San Francisco. When I bring it up, they say things like, “I love it there! Can’t wait to go back.” It’s like they have no idea how much San Francisco hates them, or worse, they don’t even care.

7. Celebrity Sightings.

When I lived in the Bay Area I used to hate when my Los Angeles friends bragged about meeting celebrities. They’d post a picture of themselves shaking Jeff Goldblum’s hand, as if Goldblum was all of a sudden their best friend. Sometimes they’d caption it with some sort of joke or anecdote, as if their new famous BFF was just as excited to meet them. How sad. So pathetic. Get a life. Okay, but here’s the thing: I saw Jon Hamm inside a Starbucks and it changed my life. I sat across from him and came very close to writing a poem about him. I have not written a poem since the seventh grade. Since then, I have savored the celebrity sighting and feel eternally grateful to the Hollywood Gods who made it possible forme to see Hamm himself wearing a pair of tight shorts, in the flesh (pun possibly intended).

8. Not Everyone Smokes Weed.

Los Angeles has plenty of it, but not everyone partakes in smoking pot like they do in San Francisco. No, I’m not a narc, and no, I don’t think getting high is wrong. But, as a non-pot-smoker who wishes the stuff didn’t make her so tired and/or overly introspective, being in SF was hard. I can count on more than one hand how many times I had an edible because it was just there, at the coffee shop my friend was working at, and then proceeded to have one of the worst nights of my life. I’d always think, maybe this time I’ll get what the hubbub is all about. I know that “hubbub” might actually make me sound like a narc, but let’s ignore that and move on. Basically, the fun with pot never happens for me, and I always felt kind of bad about that in SF. Why can’t we all just get drunk at work?

9. Dreamers.

Los Angeles is full of people who came to the city in hopes of doing something huge. They packed everything they owned in hatchbacks, and drove out west singing “California” by Phantom Planet. For a lot of these folks (myself included), it’s been a few years, and not much has happened. At least, not as much as they had hoped. However, they’re still holding on to that dream. Most people might think it’s depressing to know that majority of the service job workforce in this city is composed of struggling actors, writers, filmmakers, etc. I think it’s beautiful. It makes me feel less alone. I like knowing I am not the only one who is delusional. We’re all in this together, and are not giving up. Well, at least not yet.

Illustrations by Jon Stich.