By Ginny Hogan and Josh Freedman
The California primary is Tuesday. Unfortunately, it’s the same day as the primaries in 13 other states, but let’s be honest — it’s really about us. As such, we’ve compiled a list of where the candidates stand on key California issues. At least, it’s where we think they stand: We lost two of our interns at a Bernie rally, and the only other candidate willing to meet us was Andrew Yang, who spent the entire interview dictating Ruby into the command line before telling us he’s not even running anymore. And for those who already voted early for Pete Buttigieg or Amy Klobuchar — don’t worry, they wasted our time, too. Here’s what the rest have to say:
How much BART sucks
- Former Vice President Joe Biden: BART breaks down far too often; BART trains should only break down once each trip, like Amtrak.
- Sen. Elizabeth Warren: Will coordinate piggyback rides for everyone whose trains are running late.
- Sen. Bernie Sanders: BART is not a train; it’s a movement of people.
- Former New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg: Have people thought of simply hiring a chauffeur?
Google cafeteria reform
- Warren: Breaking up Google into hundreds of smaller Googles will spur inter-cafeteria competition and improve overall food quality.
- Bloomberg: Lightly but officially regrets previously supporting a policy stipulating that non-white Google employees must go through security to dine in the sushi cafe.
- Sanders: You’re saying there’s a cafeteria in the office? And it’s not a 7-Eleven?
- Biden: Still working on cafeteria reform at the AskJeeves.com office.
Indica vs. sativa
- Biden: Both. What was the question?
- Warren: Is known to indulge in the occasional serving of either on Saturday nights while watching Jeopardy! reruns with her dog.
- Bloomberg: Not sure what these are but will arrest minorities for either one.
- Sanders: Medicare for All.
Should Mark Zuckerberg exist?
- Biden: Billionaires should exist — how many millions do you need to be one?
- Warren: Would prefer if billionaires didn’t exist, but what are you gonna do? (Please go to ElizabethWarren.com/donate.)
- Sanders: Billionaires should not exist.
- Bloomberg: Are we counting him as a billionaire?
Amazon two-hour delivery
- Sanders: The pressure for two-hour delivery creates unsafe and unfair working conditions for employees. No package should ever be delivered in under three weeks.
- Bloomberg: I’m sorry, you’ll have to ask the cow-faced reception girl how long it takes to ship a package. Oh, is that offensive? I meant “the cow-faced reception woman.”
- Warren: Has a plan to get that time down to 90 minutes but is not going to release it because she does not support Amazon’s low wages and poor treatment of their employees. Take that!
- Biden: That sounds slow. When I send an email, it only takes 15 minutes to get to the other computer.
Attracting Spanish-speaking voters
- Warren: Allow me to introduce my best friend, Julián Castro.
- Bloomberg: Muchos mayors endorse-o me, Miguel Bloombito.
- Biden: Obamo, Obamas, Obama, Obamamos, Obamais, Obaman.
- Sanders: Medicare por todos.
What belongs in a real burrito?
- Bloomberg: Rice, beans, meat, salsa.
- Sanders: Cream cheese, lox, onions, and capers, served on a bagel.
- Warren: Bureaucracy, financial regulation, tort reform, and avocado.
- Biden: I trust the American people to choose what should go in a burrito. As my Latino friend once told me: Nosotros todos somos burritos — ¡Sí se puede!
The tech industry’s diversity problem
- Bloomberg: Listen, there’s a very specific skill set required to build the kind of technology we’re using today.
- Biden: Promises to nominate a black woman to the Supreme Court. Is that enough for you?
- Warren: Will give former Uber CEO Travis Kalanick what kids are calling the “Bloomberg Treatment,” and that should take care of things once and for all.
- Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard: As a woman of color, I have some thoughts on what it’s like to be completely ignored — wait, did you forget me in the first seven questions?
- Sanders: Medicare for All.
Cal-Exit: Should California be its own country?
- Biden: In favor, as long as it is called “West Delaware.”
- Warren: Officially in favor but no plan to put it into motion for three years.
- Bloomberg: In favor. Good riddance.
- Sanders: Medicare for All.
SF vs. L.A.
- Warren: SF — closer to the tech companies, easier to destroy them.
- Biden: L.A. — where things from the ’50s are cool again.
- Bloomberg: Which has more homeless people? That one.
- Sanders: Neither — Berkeley.
