By Jessica Lanyadoo
Dear Jessica,
The other night my boyfriend and I were loosely discussing his birthday. He informed me “Jane’s” day of birth was coincidentally within days, so why not celebrate them in unison. Right? Wrong! I contested it, because it makes me uncomfortable. And he was a bit flabbergasted by me putting my sneaker down. I mean they have grown up together. Maybe I’m self centered and egotistical, but birthdays are that person’s special day, so why divide it? Especially with a member of the opposite sex? I don’t think it’s a jealousy issue. Or maybe it’s because my birthday is under celebrated by my group of friends. But I don’t like the fact that my boyfriend’s name would be attached with another female’s.
Am I crazy for thinking this way? I wouldn’t want to put a damper on his day for my insecurity, but my goodness. I would never celebrate mine with a good friend of mine that was a male — a female, yes, but that’s different. Is it because we have different values or is it that he’s so blind to female reactions and emotions? What if he actually disregards my feelings? Am I just supposed to go along with it as he would probably want?
Sincerely,
An Avid Reader and Possibly Crazy Girlfriend
First let me thank you for reading my column. You rock! But I’ve gotta say that I’m with your BF on this one, my friend. You are being jealous — as in totally, completely, and for sure. And possibly a little crazy too, but aren’t the best of us?
I believe that women can be friends with men and vise versa. Because of this belief, when you tell me that he has a female friend that he’s known since daycare, all I hear is ‘friend’, not ‘female.’
His connection with this girl sounds perfectly innocent. Everyone is different on this topic, but I believe that women can be friends with men and vise versa. Because of this belief, when you tell me that he has a female friend that he’s known since daycare, all I hear is ‘friend’, not ‘female.’ And if the Birthday Boy wants to share his special day with his besties (even the lady ones), you kinda do need to go along with it. Being supportive and having fun wouldn’t hurt either. This is an issue of principal for you, but for him it’s about a real life, long-term friendship. I’m not sure what your feelings about your own birthdays have to do with any of this; you clearly understand that it’s a special day, so why would you contest his desires to make it special for him? This should be about his standards, and not yours. If he had vibes with his friend I’d see your point, but what I’m hearing here is that you two hold fundamentally different beliefs about friendships — not that he’s disrespectful for seeing things differently than you do.
Asking someone to demote a friendship without an excellent reason is a huge no-no. I don’t think your boyfriend is blind, CG, but you clearly have a conflict. You totally have a right to your feelings and perspective, but if you make a big deal of this you’ll be making it all about you and your shit, which is not a great girlfriend move. If you’re going to date this guy long-term, you’re going to have to trust him.
Only you can decide if this difference in values is a relationship deal-breaker or not. This isn’t a right/wrong issue. All you can do here is take responsibility for whatever you choose; if you try to get between him and his childhood friendships, it may cost you his trust and affection. If you can’t be OK with him being that platonically close to other women then you need to own that, even if it means realizing that he’s not the guy for you. Plenty of guys out there would see it your way.
xo,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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