Hi Jessica,
Does it ever seem like all long term relationships are doomed in one way or another? My parents are divorced. My friends’ parents are divorced. Everyone is divorced, or breaking up, or in a dissatisfied relationship. And if they are satisfied now, it’s only a matter of months or years until a couple ends up practically hating each other.
How am I supposed to believe in lasting love (including both companionship AND attraction) when everyone is beating me over the head with stories of love gone awry? Why do we even try, what compels us to couple?
Thanks, K
Yikes! Your question is a serious one and I think most of us have wrestled with it. But I must counter your question with a question, K; why bother to live if you know you’re going to eventually die? The answer is that it’s the journey, not the destination that makes life enjoyable and gives it meaning. Life is full of things that end, and they are still fully worth doing.
If you make choices out of fear you end up multiplying that fear, and that’s one of the many reasons why relationships don’t last. The only relationships that make it over the course of time are comprised of people who are willing to work through the shitty parts together; the differences, boredom, conflict, communication issues, whatever.
You are totally right that a ton of relationships end with two divorced people who can’t stand each other. Life sucks and is hella hard, but it’s also beautiful and fun. There’s seriously nothing better than letting someone really get to know you and finding out that this person loves the real you. It feels amazing to have a sense of home in another person, to know that you have each other’s back through thick and thin. So that’s why we do it; the risk is worth the gain.
If you seek out love and companionship it’s a good 50/50 chance that you’ll find the kind that will last, versus the kind that ends in tears. If you don’t try, the odds are about 100% that you won’t have love at all, K. If you were a person who earnestly liked being single, I’d think that’s awesome, but what your question tells me is that you are scared that there’s not enough love out there to go around, and that we are all doomed to failure, and that’s just not true.
If you make choices out of fear you end up multiplying that fear, and that’s one of the many reasons why relationships don’t last. There are no perfect couples because there are no perfect people. The only relationships that make it over the course of time are comprised of people who are willing to work through the shitty parts together; the differences, boredom, conflict, communication issues, whatever. Over the course of time tons of crap comes up and if you’re with someone who is willing to do the work, and loves you the way you want to be loved, it’s not enough. You have to do the same for the other person too, and ultimately, in order to truly take care of your beloved, you’ve gotta be able to do the same for yourself. And that’s the problem. We treat ourselves like shit and so it’s easy to miss it when another person treats us that way too.
You will want to kick your own ass if you see that you let other people’s misery become your own just because you were too scared to try. If your life is gonna suck, let it suck because you loved and lost, and not because you were too scared to try.
If you don’t try to be happy you’ll end up bitter, K, because when you stop trying, you stop truly living and the consequences for that are awful. The pain of losing someone is terrible (hell, falling in love feels alternately awesome and horrible), but the worst thing you can do with your life is to feel like you wasted it on fear based choices. You have so much potential in front of you, K, but I can’t promise you that life will be good or that you will end up happily married. What I can promise, though, is that you will one day look back at your youth through the lens of old age, and when you do you will want to kick your own ass if you see that you let other people’s misery become your own just because you were too scared to try. If your life is gonna suck, let it suck because you loved and lost, and not because you were too scared to try.
xo,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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