Ridiculous baby names used to be left to celebrities. Most of us know famous people can get away with things we mere mortals can’t (just ask anyone who’s ever gotten a DUI), but somehow we’ve lost our way. People have decided that we should all be able to compete for most original and give our children names that are as dumb as they are SEO friendly. No matter how much SF might start to feel like SFlandia, we don’t have to succumb to trendiness and prove the haters right with contrived eclectic antics.
I felt compelled to compile the worst SF-inspired baby names to discourage the proliferation of this fad. I figure anyone searching for a clever and unusual name can’t very well use any of these after I’m done with them. Please consider this list as my contribution to stopping the injustices of bad baby names everywhere. ’Cause if you name your child Erection, their life is going to be hard.
You have the added handicap of being in a field where naming products comes up all the time. You probably even think you’re good at it. Unfortunately for fetuses, there is a pretty big difference between names that would be appropriate for a baby and names appropriate for a wearable pedometer. Resist the nerd urge to name your kids Mac and PC if for no other reason than it’s not right for PC to spend his life being less cool than his brother.
Please don’t name your baby:
Venture
Founder
Gadget
Pivot
You must be so excited to take a break from photographing your food to begin taking pictures of your baby. Then again, you’re probably too busy stressing over how to make your own organic baby food to even be bothered. Keep on saving that name you like that no one else finds charming for the dream restaurant you’re totally going to get around to opening.
Please don’t name your baby:
Tartina
Bourdain
Kale
Bourbon
Aroma
You’re looking for something especially obscure and asinine. For example, you might think it would be cool to name your baby after the alcohol that led to its conception. There are probably worse things than making your bundle of joy’s initials “PBR,” but I honestly can’t think of any.
Please don’t name your baby:
Fixie
Dolores
Valencia
Selvedge
Beanie
You’re going to be tempted to use what’s in your uterus to break down existing nomenclature norms and be true to your inner self and blah blah and blah blah.
Please don’t name your baby:
Namaste
Acai
Shavasana
Kombucha
Sage
You’re a little weird, but before you go off and name your kid Francisco, think about how people with names like Michael Bay turned out.
Please don’t name your baby:
Myooni
Niner
Jackson
Bridge
Minna
