By Irving Ruan and Sarah Kislak
All illustrations by Nicole Album
Have you found that you’re super single and your typical $30 Vinyasa flow isn’t quite connecting you to the inner void that your therapist Laura told you is “important to feel”? Us, too. Join in! This yoga sequence will help you find your breath and bring to heart’s center all that you have: yourself. As a longtime single lady, there is nobody else (and we mean literally nobody, lol) who can help you dissipate this built-up vata besides you. Self-deprecating energy is always present, but this practice will help you fully realize and bring this into consciousness. Inspire a deepening of the inner void, and give space to question if you actually deserve love at all!
Downward Facing Sob
Straighten out your legs, arch your back, and rest your head on the ground. Let gravity aid the flow of your tears.
Cobra Strike to Quickly Swipe Right Pose
Your muscles are well-developed here. You know what to do.
All-Time Low After Eating Two Pints of Halo Top Lunge
Bend your left leg and hold that position until you’re in touch with the tenderness of your fragile heart. You just unfortunately discovered that Elliot took your spot in that love triangle. At least you can dive into your third pint after scrolling through Betches’ Instagram.
Just a Sad Chair Pose
Exhale and bend your knees. Try to make your thighs parallel to the floor. You know, parallel. As in, the parallel life you’re living that’s 30% to 40% worse than the one you could be living if Elliot hadn’t dumped you three years ago.
Starfish in My Bed Alone Pose
Ease into a starfish position. Expand your arms and really feel the void Elliot left in your 200-thread-count bed. Notice all the space you have in your body now, much like the space you’ve created between you and anyone who has ever tried to get close to you.
Warrior Table-for-One Pose
Extend your right leg and hold that position until you find your Rising Courage of the Sun and Moon. You’ll definitely need it when everyone at Chipotle silently judges how you opted for an actual burrito instead of a burrito bowl.
Bridge to an Unprompted Conversation About My Side Hustle
Clumsily contort yourself to an unnatural bridge position. You don’t look cool, but at least you’re participating in a socionormative conversation starter for the 22-to-34 target age demographic. Exhale.
Corpse Pose
You just ate three and a half servings of sriracha cashews. Lay down, unfurl your high-rise Lululemons to ease the compression of your internal organs, and realize that nothing really matters and we’re all just hurtling toward death.
Backbend the Truth to Make Yourself More Likable
Reach for the sky and allow the sun and the moon’s energy to embrace your chakras. You left the office five minutes before your date because you know you’ll still be early. Om.
Potential Love Triangle Pose
Loosen up your hip flexors as well as your socionormative monogamous preferences. Three may be a crowd, but it’s worth considering since you’ve been single for a while. Cry before swiping right again.
Likely Never Having a Happy Baby Pose
Round out your session in literally the most physically vulnerable position you can imagine: flat on your back with knees splayed, grasping your toes. Here in Happy Baby, tune in to the steady ticking of your biological clock. Notice decrescendo in the tempo. Now, try to syncopate this with the rhythm of your fragile, fragile heart. Namaste!
