By Christina Spittler
My mom is a hippie. She’s a straight-up spiritually minded, essential-oil-using, universe-appreciating, Summer of Love–loving nature woman. She’s also a therapist (duh) who’s very much into light and energy and will let you know all about the shamans in Ecuador and how to fast for a week in Joshua Tree. She’s a pretty cool lady, and I think she might also be a wizard. As you might imagine, growing up with a hippie-wizard mom made for an interesting childhood. It has also proven to have some peculiar, lasting side effects in my life as an adult. Are you also the child of a crystal-wearing, Mother Earth–loving, world-music-dancing hippie mom? Here are some signs that might help you find out:
1. You have an irrational fear of microwaves and the “energy” they possess. Unless we’re talking about microwaved bananas, in which case that just means “dessert” to you.
2. You appreciate percussion instruments and understand the importance of drums, maracas and a rain stick in a drum circle — I mean drum ceremony.
3. You were the other 12-year-old at the Lake Merritt vigil for Jerry Garcia held on the day he died.
4. You’re a recovering plastic-bag washer. Perhaps in protest and despite your mom’s best intentions, you don’t wash your plastic bags, set them on the dish rack to dry and then reuse them, because that’s gross and fuck it.
5. You are perfectly content celebrating Thanksgiving without turkey and with, say, cheese and nut loaf instead.
6. You had childhood pets named after birthstones.
7. Just like your mom always said, you’ve learned that fruit is, in fact, nature’s candy. You’ve also learned that nature kind of sucks at making candy.
8. You know that guy Tom from Maine, and you know that myrrh-flavored anything is gross.
9. You thought the Tarot deck was a special card game in which the object was to get the Princess of Swords, because she is the prettiest.
10. You ate kale before it was cool. Kale in tofu stir-fry, kale with eggs for breakfast, kale smoothies. It’s been around for a while, guys.
11. You didn’t know there were stations other than public radio until you and your friends started driving.
12. “Don’t forget to ask the universe for what you want” and “If you need me, I’ll be in my room meditating” were both common household statements.
13. The smell of burning sage is overwhelmingly nostalgic and reminds you of your childhood — your childhood and silver-haired strangers in flowy, loose-fitting clothing educating you about your spirit.
14. You know everything about your sun, moon and rising signs. You also know what houses your planets are in. You knew that you even had houses with planets in them.
15. You’re really good at talking to the universe and directing thoughts into energy.
16. You understand that banana-bread muffins do not count as birthday cake, because that is mean.
17. You now buy shampoo, toothpaste, hand soap and laundry detergent separately, and only use Dr. Bronner’s when camping.
18. You sometimes catch yourself referring to your friends as your “community.”
19. You occasionally wish that Santa Claus still left boxes of sugary cereal wrapped up under the Christmas tree for you, but you’re ecstatic that raisins and dried apricots have made their way out of the Easter eggs you’ve had recently.
20. You are thankful, grateful and appreciative of pretty much everything all the time.
