Much like your conservative relatives, the holidays are here for the next few weeks, and there’s no escaping them. You’ll make it through with a little determination and enough “fun activities” to keep everyone’s head spinning so they don’t ask any questions about your lack of a partner or whether or not you miss “that Obama fellow.” Here are a few tried and true must-dos as well as some that no one has tried yet—but hey, you could be the first!
Indigenous People’s Sunrise Gathering (Unthanksgiving)
If you’re looking to challenge your own biases about a holiday that essentially glorifies a fictional narrative used to gloss over the continued and systematic oppression of this continent’s first nations, then consider attending the Indigenous People’s Sunrise Gathering at Alcatraz on Thanksgiving morning. Boats leave the Alcatraz dock starting at 4:45 a.m. for a ceremony and a gathering on Alcatraz Island. It’s open to anyone who wants to attend, and tickets go fast, so get yours beforehand. It’s worth the early wake-up call on a holiday to educate yourself first and foremost, but you’ll get bonus satisfaction out of pissing off Aunt Linda, who’s had the same pilgrim salt and pepper shakers for 30 years, and she will not part with them, no matter what the lady with the microphone says.
Survive Black Friday
You weren’t going to do it this year. You were going to stay home, eat leftovers and maybe indulge in a little televised sporting event or something. But then it occurred to you that if you skipped Black Friday, you’d have to do Cyber Monday, and that means that the robot overlords running Amazon will win. Son of a — so gather your fliers, your coupons and your email offers. Tie your children together with one those “safety lines” people use for field trips that’s really just a leash for humans, and get out there. It’s an ugly world of lines, shopping cards and angry women with the Kate Gosselin haircut demanding to see managers. But someone has to keep brick-and-mortar franchises as the last line of defense against the ever-increasing infiltration of the great Amazon machine. And maybe that someone is you.
Uncover the Lost Dev Team
Legend tells of a secret force kept deep within the reaches of the South Bay, where few dare to drive. Only those brave enough to venture forth into the empty offices of the sleeping tech giants will find the epic few who combat the forces of evil and sometimes Russia—the Lost Dev Team. Many have sought these secretive heroes, but none have found them yet, leaving this Thanksgiving activity to be merely one of rumor and mystery. Will you be the one to bring light to the darkness?
Throw Turkeys at All the Things the Right Wing Hates
First, they yelled about Starbucks. And then the Keurigs and Volvo. Now it’s grad students. The madness won’t cease for at least another three years, and what better way to plant the seeds of eventual mutiny than from the inside? Blend in by throwing turkey at anything from this list, or, since I’m a woman and a “starving writer,” I volunteer as a target. I prefer my turkey smoked or traditionally basted, but since I’m on the tiniest budget you’ve ever seen, I’ll take whatever you’ve got. Don’t worry, this is fine — you have bad aim; I’ve got a freezer; and together we can create the perfect charade to mask your infiltration of the White House. Good luck, and godspeed!
Fuck It, Now It’s Christmas
San Francisco offers a lot of family-friendly holiday things to do after you’ve slept off your meat coma. You can see the tree lighting at Union Square and throw elbows at the elderly to get your kid on the ice-skating rink afterward. There’s the 25-foot-tall gingerbread house at the Fairmont, which is actually almost worth climbing the 45-degree-angle hills to get to. The sheer majesty of its royal, sugary presence will surely wipe the confusing, frustrating, cranberry-covered mess that was Thanksgiving from your mind. But nothing can erase Jason Momoa in Justice League. Hold on to your happy thoughts, buddy, and brace yourself — Christmas is coming.
