Last year I had a great idea for Valentine’s Day: a “sexy” walking tour of Berkeley. My (now ex-) boyfriend wasn’t into it, and my dream was deferred. What the fuck, right? It’s true.
This year I’m single. What the fuck? It’s true. I’d be thrilled if some lovebirds out there followed my dirty-walking-tour route and Tinglered, tubbed and tarped it up.
Start at Missouri Lounge (#1) because they are the self-proclaimed kings of “cheap and smooth.” I don’t know what you like to drink, but I think tequila shots are a good idea. Sausage on your mind? Order a “Naughty Hoagie.” You’re here for some dirty talk about what to purchase at the next stop. For example:
Partner 1: I want to dress as Lumpy Space Princess from Adventure Time and have you pleasure me from behind with an impossibly adorable Japanese vibrator.
Partner 2: A Tenga Iroha it is!
Next stop is Good Vibrations (#2). I don’t know what gets you off, but I think a little something that slips into your skivvies with Bluetooth would be fun to use on the walk. Also, pick up some kind of oil or lubricant.
Eat some food and drink more tequila at La Mission (#3). It looks like the old Taco Time in Coos Bay, Oregon, but it’s delicious. Braised pork is sexy if you eat meat.
Berkeley has a kava bar, Melo Melo (#4). Kava has all kinds of weird sexy-sounding drugs in it, like Demethoxy-yangonin, dihydrokavain, yangonin, kavain, dihydromethysticin and methysticin. Chemistry is sexy. Truthfully, I’ve never been, and I’ve never tried kava, but my friend Kate recommended it, and if Kate jumped off a bridge, I would too.
The Hot Tubs of Berkeley (#6) is a literally seedy place. Does anyone remember that show Blind Date? You get a hot tub, a sauna, a rubber bed and a radio all to yourselves. I think this is good time for oral fun, but for fuck’s sake, don’t open your mouth in the water!
Ace Hardware (#7) is optional for practitioners of BDSM. A Dollar Store will do nicely as well, and there are two in downtown Berkeley. I’d pick up a tarp to lie down on your bed at the Rodeway Inn. Yes, that’s why you bought that oil at Good Vibrations. My friend Lindsay thinks it says something about me that my mind went straight to tarp before shower curtain. I dunno, tarps are sturdy, reusable and good for outdoor activities. Reenact the scene from 50 Shades of Grey in which hardware-store clerk Ms. Steele is made to fetch items for Mr. Gray, including cable ties, masking tape and rope.
Finally, do it up at the Rodeway Inn (#5), which, according to TripAdvisor, is Berkeley’s eighth-finest motel establishment. I wish they would rent rooms by the hour, but they probably don’t.
Get up on it!
