We at The Bold Italic understand how ungodly expensive trees in the city are. The average price of a small tree at your local corner store is $50, and bigger ones can cost as much as $150. While we’re not complete Grinches, we’re not rich either. So we’ve put together this helpful guide for other things to buy instead.
1) Six burritos to share with strangers and friends
Christmas is the season of giving, so imagine how much joy you’d give someone if you gave them a free burrito? Gift three to your besties and the other three to strangers at the park, and you’ll be known as the Burrito Santa Claus forever. Could you think of anything better to get you in the Christmas spirit?
—Nicole K.
2) A Himalayan salt lamp
It’s like a travel-size Millennial-pink Christmas tree that will clear out bad energy in your apartment. Plus, you can keep it yearlong.
—Nicole K.
3) Earthquake-/nuclear-disaster survival kit
One of these two things is almost guaranteed to happen here soon. Fifty bucks will (probably) garner you several big jugs of water, a flashlight, many cans of beans and corn, candles, lighters and maybe even a signal flare, should you require rescue by way of Jet Ski or high-speed boat. (This is how everyone else imagines this going down, right?)
—Dan M.
4) Those giant bottles of vodka they sell at Costco
They are nearly the size of most Charlie Brown trees, have a nice long bottle top that you can put stars or angels on top of if you want to, and they’re only about $29. Just sayin’.
—Dan M.
5) Charcoal
Remember that thing your parents used to threaten you with when you were being a “bad kid”? It has risen from the grave of character assassination. It is peak trendy.
Charcoal is the new sex. Anything with charcoal sells. Charcoal soap, charcoal supplements, charcoal tooth-whitening powder, charcoal water-filter stone-enhancer water-bottle addition. There is even charcoal lemonade. Charcoal, charcoal, charcoal. Charcoal.
Upscale brands sell it at a huge markup, but you can get it at the source—$30 for 17 pounds. That should last you and serve all your needs. I stuck one up my butt, and now I have a diamond.
—Nicole C.
6) Bags of potatoes
Potatoes are great. You can turn them into French fries, for one thing — not to mention all the other kinds of delicious potato-related delicacies. But — but — here’s the kicker: potatoes are versatile. Potatoes serve as great projectiles should you need something to launch out of a small cannon. Potatoes can be used as batteries to power small clocks. And if that isn’t enough, you can use the bags that potatoes come in to store other items — and if you get one of those big brown burlap bags of potatoes? Well, the possibilities are almost endless.
—Dan M.
7) Christmas menorah
Many a Jew has tried the ever-popular “Chanukkah bush,” but do Christians ever do menorahs? This year, why not spice things up with something different/multicultural? For the price of one of those sad little trees, you could put presents under a resplendent menorah — a.k.a. “yule candelabra” — and still have sheckles to spare for a few dreidels — “Santa fidget spinners” — to boot. Merry Xmas, y’all!
—Jason D.
8) Thousands upon thousands of live crickets
The writhing bodies of acheta domesticus—perfect for decor, garnish or protein. The cost value of making them tiny festive hats will be minimal, but the time? Priceless.
—Nicole C.
Happy holidays, everyone!
