Help Wanted: Pre-IPO logistics company with a $60+ billion valuation and limitless growth potential seeks fearless COO to save itself from toxic internal culture and help its insufferable frat-boy-in-chief “grow up” (his words).
A few months ago, it seemed like world domination was within Uber’s grasp. Then some old-school Icarus-style hubris kicked in, and Uber no longer seemed like a sure bet. Last Sunday, Uber’s president, Jeff Jones, peaced out after six months on the job. But even before that, Uber was on the hunt for the yin to Kalanick’s yang. The patty to his peppermint. The Schmidt to his Brin. The Zarathustra to his Nietzsche.
Is there anyone in Silicon Valley crazy enough to leave a half-decent situation to sign up for this shit-show? Maybe not! It’s possible Uber and Travis might have to start looking outside the box.
Robert De Niro, a.k.a. Travis Bickle — As a taxi driver himself, Bickle really knows the business. And he killed a pimp. Which, for some reason, seems in line with what it would take to fix Uber.
Gandalf the Grey — Gandalf’s advanced age and wisdom would be an excellent foil to Kalanick’s youthful insouciance. As Gandalf’s Wikipedia page notes, “The role of the wizards was to advise and counsel, but never to attempt to match Sauron’s strength with his own, and hopefully the kings and lords of Middle-Earth would be more receptive to the advice of a humble old man than a more glorious form giving them direct commands.” So basically he was made to work with Kalanick.
Queen Elizabeth — Not quite as old as Gandalf but still one of the world’s most time-tested figureheads. She’ll call Kalanick a “naughty boy, ” give him a proper spanking and then set out to make Uber the most genteel workplace place in the world.
Colin Kaepernick — “Kalanick and Kaepernick” has a nice ring, doesn’t it? Last year, Kaepernick stood up (so to speak) for what he believed in and wasn’t afraid to be hated on by pretty much everyone. Now that he’s an out-of-job free agent blacklisted by Trump-loving NFL owners, he’s totally fine standing for the Pledge of Allegiance. Symbolically, that’s kinda perfect for the job.
My Mom — Mama Ditzian would never have put up with Kalanick’s BS, and neither should Kalanick’s mom, for that matter. Heck, just put any random mother in charge. All this guy needs is a little structure and someone to change his diaper.
BBC Dad — Even worse than changing man diapers, the hardest part of being Uber COO will be the sheer, harrowing, existential dread of going into work with T-Dog starting every morning by regaling you with obnoxious conquest stories from last night’s party. Working remotely is highly recommended. BBC Dad’s home office is ready to go.
Hillary Clinton — Coincidence that Hillary came out of the wilderness last weekend to reenter public life? Maybe she just needed time to freshen up her résumé (“Most recent employment: presidential candidate, 2006–2016, first woman in history to win popular vote in a US presidential election. Has top-level experience facing down narcissistic, abusive jerks in high-pressure environments”).
Kim Jong Un — Would make Kalanick look like less of a megalomaniac.
Sarah Silverman — Not to be such a yenta, but I’m, like, 99 percent sure you could put the two of them in the same room, and they’d fall in love. She’d teach him how to make fun of himself. Soften his image. Make him feel “seen.” Get those lovebirds snuggling on a couch, and they’re People magazine cover-ready: “How Sarah Saved My Company and Stole My Heart.”
Richard Dawkins — Last month, Uber board member Ariana Huffington scolded Kalanick, saying there would be no more “brilliant jerks” allowed in the company. What better way to stick it to Huffington than by hiring the emeritus of brilliant jerks.
