By Jessica Lanyadoo
Hi Jessica,
I have a wonderful boyfriend — very affectionate, cooks me dinner most nights, tells me how much he loves me, deals with my dysfunctional family with grace, and in every way but one is off the charts. The problem is that he doesn’t seem to care about having sex. And I care very much about having lots of sex. After being together for five years, we only have sex a couple times a month, and I am always the one initiating it. When I try to talk to him about doing it more often, he gets very defensive and seems hurt, like I’m criticizing him instead of telling him what I need. I love this man in every way, so it’s not a deal-breaker for me. But at the same time, I am a very horny person. So how do I get more of what I want without turning sex into a chore for my man? Or, am I asking for too much to have all this and tons of sex too? –S.H.
You are totally not asking for too much, SH. Sex is awesome and you deserve as much of it as you can get with the person that you love!
The problem I’m hearing from you is actually not just about sex. It’s not only that you’re not getting as much as you’d like, but the fact that your BF is not open to talking about it, which totally sucks. It’s like you’re in it alone, which isn’t fair to you. It’s hard talking about desire and sex in a way that isn’t guilt inducing, but most long-term relationships require it at some point.
After years of counseling people about their relationship issues, I have learned this truth: you can repress your needs, but they’ll end up cropping up somewhere. Not having your sexual needs met can lead to resentments that are intimacy killers
Are you certain that he doesn’t care about sex? I mean, have you asked him? It’s totally possible that he’s not as into sex as you are, but it’s also possible that he’s just not as into initiating it. You don’t mention the quality of your sex life when it’s active, but if it’s good and the problem is frequency, it’s possible that he simply isn’t hot for getting things going. Has it occurred to you that your boyfriend may be a bit of a bottom? Being a bottom is in no way synonymous with being sexually passive, but he may get off by being seduced. I encourage you to consider that your beloved may be a catcher and he may really need or like you to keep on pitching. If this is the case, you need to ask yourself if you’re down to be the full time pitcher for your team. If the answer is yes then you can stop feeling like he’s not into sex just ’cause he’s not initiating it, and you can put the moves on him more regularly. Hazzah! More sex for you!
Either way, your man has to make himself more open to talking about sex. Try making the conversation about what you both like and what’s good about your humping rather than what’s gone wrong. The act of communicating more about the deed can loosen him up to the topic. But it’s essential that he is willing to hear you out and be compassionate about your feelings. It’s not fair or healthy for him to shut you down when you talk about your needs, and he needs to know that. Any long-term relationship takes work and while he sounds like an awesome guy, you can’t ignore this issue. I’m glad that this isn’t a deal breaker for you, but at what cost? After years of counseling people about their relationship issues, I have learned this truth: you can repress your needs, but they’ll end up cropping up somewhere. Whatever we repress eventually comes up in some way or another, demanding to be dealt with. Not having your sexual needs met can lead to resentments that are intimacy killers. Don’t shut your sexuality off for someone else, no matter how much you love him. If in the end you find that you just can’t get as much play as you’d like, try to find a healthy outlet that doesn’t compromise the agreements you have around monogamy. Good luck!
xo,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or email her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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