The zoo may be home to a vast collection of endangered species, botanical gardens and family-friendly attractions, but it’s also a place where we share life-changing moments. Here visitors make memories: they can fall in love, watch their children’s eyes fill with joy and share the wonders of nature.
And an exceptional few can fuck here like never before.
Now you may be thinking, “Why, dear God, why would anyone ever want to hook up at a zoo?” That’s a perfectly reasonable question, and one which I will answer with three perfect — albeit less reasonable — questions:
Have you ever made sweet love while listening to the elegant serenade of a whistling dove?
Or knocked boots among sycamore leaves and roots?
Then, why settle for watching The Jungle Book when you could be getting cozy in each other’s jungle nooks?
Anyway, here’s how you do it.
Heavy-Petting Zoo
Once you claim your territory, remember the importance of the warm-up. The eagle doesn’t fly without first fluffing its feathers, nor does a lion embark on the hunt without sharpening its claws. Stopping by the heavy-petting zoo en route to the main exhibit will prove to be a rewarding and stimulating experience. As they say, “A dehydrated camel yields no humps.”
That being said…
No Backwash in the Watering Hole
Are animals messy and crude? Of course, but the sacred act of boinking deserves a certain level of respect, so please don’t go spewing fluids around willy-nilly. Also, if zoo sex hopes to gain any trending momentum, we gotta leave the zoo at least somewhat tidy for future fornicators. I’m not budging on this one. Sorry, pervs.
Monkey See, Monkey Do
Look around, observe and take note of all the kinesic variance of body movements exhibited by the wildlife. There’s a veritable Kamasutra instructional playing out across the vast array of physical positions within the park. Whether it’s the hippo bottom thrust or the rhino power top that calls to you, don’t shy away from channeling your inner wildebeest.
Hibernate with Your Mate
The owl makes its nest; Ursus arctos (i.e., the brown bear) dwells within caves. Point being, don’t shy away from snuggling up and getting comfy in your surrounding ecosystem. The whole point of “zoo-ing it” outdoors is to share a new perspective with an intimate twist, so enjoy the moment.
The Penguins Will Try to Join — They Mustn’t
Those sneaky little tuxedos are always poking their beaks where they don’t belong. Sure, penguins are cute, what with their awkward charisma and cozy waddle, but by no means should the waterfowl ever be privy to humankind’s sexual escapades. Sure, it’s easy to get caught up in the moment and think, “Well, now, this fuzzy guy doesn’t look like he could do much harm; he’s merely curious.” But then, BAM! Before you know it, you and your partner are the focal point of an empire penguin bacchanal. They’re dirty, dirty deviants.
Purchase a Souvenir
Everyone wants to remember their sexy time at the zoo! With gifts ranging from refrigerator magnets to quality koala T-shirts, the gift shop truly does have it all. No matter how old and sexually modest you and your partner grow to become in future years, there will always be that “I Love SFZ00” vanity plate hanging above the doorframe to remind you of the time when blood still flowed through your dusty loins. And when someone points out how much they love your adorable giraffe sweater, you’ll be thrust back to sex-nostalgia city.
How very exciting it is to break the law and orgasm all at the very same time. Talk about killing two birds with one stone — except, not actually, because that would be a much more serious crime. Anywho, the more we discuss it, the less sex we’re all having in public places, so I’ll say it for the last time: if you wanna screw, go to the zoo!
