Living in San Francisco lately doesn’t exactly feel like living in San Francisco. Gone are the days of getting uncomfortably high on edibles in Dolores Park, waiting in line for hours for mediocre eggs Benedict, and going to street fairs filled with naked old men, irrespective of the theme.
Although a never-ending cycle of binge drinking, Netflix, and masturbation sounded pretty awesome at first, even the best of us are starting to feel the strain of the weeks-long shelter-in-place order. The good news? With a little bit of creativity, you can recreate a close(ish) facsimile of SF life in the Before Times from your very own apartment.
Here are a few suggestions for bringing home a little bit of classic San Francisco amid this unprecedented period. Who knows — they just might help you temporarily forget your debilitating lack of human interaction!
Riding BART
Sit uncomfortably close to your roommate on a loveseat while they blast music on their phone, sans earbuds, and blow cotton candy flavored vape smoke in your face, with a YouTube playlist of screeching mechanical noises playing in the background.
Going out in the Marina
Put on a pair of Chubbies, Allbirds, and a quarter-zip jacket with the Salesforce logo on it, then spray an entire can of Axe cologne in your living room. Sip a nauseatingly sweet Red Bull and vodka while listening to “Wagon Wheel” by Darius Rucker at full volume. Talk loudly about how quickly you crushed your Q3 quota, making sure to mention roughly three times during the night that you totally don’t miss college at all.
Biking across the Golden Gate Bridge
Rig up a fog machine and one of those fan/mister things you buy at theme parks so that it continuously blows cold air and sprays water at you while you ride that old exercise bike you bought off Craigslist but never used. (If you don’t have one, lying on your back while pedaling your legs in the air will do in a pinch.) At least once, envision being cut off by a jacked 60-year-old wearing a skin-tight bodysuit; then fall over to your side and grumble about what an asshole he is for the remainder of your ride.
Hiking in Marin
Use your brief daily outdoor time to march around your neighborhood park, complaining about how the $150k renovations on your summer home aren’t going nearly as smoothly as you had hoped. Take a bunch of flattering selfies and post them to Instagram with a caption suggesting you accidentally took the photos when your thumb slipped, but you figured you might as well post them anyway. Afterward, let all your friends know how much you loved hiking and that you think this is your new “thing,” but don’t go again until your friend from out of town comes to visit.
Visiting Fisherman’s Wharf
Keep your window open until a bunch of birds fly in and scream at you while you eat a bowl of clam chowder that came from a can. Call your Aunt Cathy from Ohio and ask her to rant about all the reasons she thinks “California is overrated but Hard Rock Cafe is God’s gift to humankind.”
Shopping in Union Square
Gaze longingly at the items found on the online shops for Gucci and Chanel, then settle for Anthropologie.com, then stop kidding yourself and begrudgingly accept that Macys.com is the only brand within your price range. Buy a couple hundred dollars’ worth of clothes you’ll rarely wear again, then have a roommate or two shoulder check you and then glare at you during checkout.
Chilling in Alamo Square Park
Look at some pictures of the park and Painted Ladies, commenting aloud, “Did you know they filmed the Full House intro here?” Proceed to watch said intro several times, saying, “Hey, I know where that is!” each time a location you recognize appears in a shot. Wonder to yourself what Dave Coulier has been up to since the show ended, then read his entire Wikipedia page, then feel bad because Uncle Joey deserves better than a bit part in a Disney Channel Original Movie about mermaids hitting puberty.
Attending an Ocean Beach bonfire
Go to Safeway and buy some premade sandwiches, chips, fruit salad, etc. Sprinkle a generous handful of sand in each item and enjoy them while sitting next to your radiator. Spend 20 minutes trying to fix it when it inevitably goes out; then give up and drink a bunch of Hell or High Watermelon wheat beers until you start to feel warm again.
Watching an SF Giants game
Throw a bag of sunflower seed shells on your living room floor; then sit in front of your TV on the hardest chair you own. Watch that video your sister sent you of your nephew’s T-ball game where half the kids somehow miss the ball. Briefly get your hopes up when they finally take the lead and then sulk when they suffer a crushing defeat at the end.
Wine-tasting in Napa
Pick up some bottles on your grocery run and set them up in a row on your counter. Sample (or guzzle) each one, making sure to throw out terms like “oakey,” “tanins,” “terroir,” and “tertiary aroma” as much as possible. (Note: Don’t worry if you use them wrong. The important thing is for you to simply use these words to appear cultured.)
Going to Outside Lands
Spend hours looking for a burnout chic outfit that looks like you just threw it together at the last minute. Drink vodka out of a sunblock bottle while listening to the Tame Impala channel on Pandora and reminisce about the days when more than 10 people could gather at once.
And remember, if all else fails, you can always engage in the most authentic San Francisco tradition of all: complaining about how expensive rent is and threatening to move to Austin or Portland before secretly admitting to yourself that you wouldn’t want to live anywhere else in the world.
