Between us and our brethren in Arizona, Nevada, Utah and Texas, the residents of those states with In-N-Out Burgers have a strong attachment to their inexpensive, simple and Bible-verse-branded fast-food options. Californians, who live in the home of the franchise, have a tribal instinct toward defending and promoting their favorite orders and menu options.
Yet if you’re a local, too, you likely know that In-N-Out’s minimalist menu hides a number of “secret” options that expand upon its conventional burger-stand offerings. Within In-N-Out’s “secret menu,” you can turn a very vanilla meal into something far kinkier, adding patties, sauces and special substitutions that enhance and build on the conventional three position—er, I mean, burgers.
By consulting with today’s top food psychologists and sexologists, we’ve put together an accurate Kinsey-approved analysis regarding what your In-N-Out order says about how you like to fuck.
Protein style
What it is: When you get the burger with lettuce instead of buns.
What it says about you: You’re not an ass person.
Animal-style fries
What it is: When you get grilled onions, cheese and In-N-Out’s “secret sauce” slathered all over your French fries.
What it says about you: You know that OkCupid question that’s, like, “Would you allow your partner to kiss you after performing oral sex on you?”
When you got to that question, you answered, “Allow? I enjoy it.”
Animal-style burger
What it is: They cook the patty in mustard and also add extra secret sauce, grilled onions and pickles.
What it says about you: You like to bring toys into the bedroom. Also, you aren’t uptight about cleaning up immediately afterward.
Neopolitain-style shake
What it is: They mix the strawberry, vanilla and chocolate ice creams together in one shake.
What it says about you: You live for threesomes.
Four by Four
What it is: It’s a cheeseburger, but with four patties (!) instead of one between the buns.
What it says about you: Your bedroom motto is “The more, the merrier.”
10 by 10
What it is: As you probably anticipated, it’s a cheeseburger, but with ten patties between the buns.
What it says about you: You started an entirely new orgy camp at Burning Man because none of the existing camps were enough for you.
