I’m just going to come out and say it: I hate the Beatles. What can I say? I just don’t like their music. Sure, I respect their contributions to the pop-music genre, bringing rock and roll into the social dialogue of blah blah blah.
“Oh, Rob,” you’re probably saying, “you’re just an entitled Millennial who takes for granted the glut of music available in the Internet age; you can’t truly appreciate their sound without historical context.” This is a delightfully dismissive argument, and one I’d love to pick apart over a quiche lorraine (which, by the way, you’re happy to enjoy while ignoring the years of potato mush that prefigured it). But this is not why we’re here. We’re here to talk about how to hold unpopular opinions.
Everyone has controversial opinions sloshing around in their head, but most resist voicing them for fear of retaliation or — worse — engaged conversation. I get it! (See the above Beatles example.) Maybe you think Seinfeld was cliché. Or that burritos are overrated. Or that every baby looks the same in its first year of infancy, and that doting on a coworker’s newborn is as meaningful as highlighting the distinguishing features of a particular ceiling tile. Now, you’re looking for a way to share your voice. Well, my prickly friends, resist no more! May I present to you a simple guide on how to share your favorite inner dissension.
Pick your poison
If this is your first time opening up about something that makes you cringe with confrontational angst, you’re going to want to start small. (You can’t attempt advanced potions without a foundation in herbology.) Make a list of your most contentious opinions and find the least dubious, perhaps something topical and fleeting — though avoid politics. Throw something out there you can’t really substantiate, just in case you need to fall back on ignorance, like, “I’ve never had a cronut, but I can’t imagine what the hype is all about.”
Congrats. You just dipped your toe into the pool of unpopular opinions. How’d it feel?
Choose your venue
Injecting your poison into an already hostile zone can have disastrous and hilarious consequences. Depending on how much you care about the fallout of your blasphemous remarks, you can either read on or skip ahead.
Bars, or settings that involve alcohol and loud noises, are best for this brand of vitriol because everyone is a little relaxed, their senses are dulled, and a round of drinks is a good olive branch if things go south.
Find a buddy
If you’re fighting convention, it’s good to have an ally (who you can quickly turn into a scapegoat if shit hits the fan). It’s easy to identify dissenters, who, upon hearing praise for the latest Adele album, breathe a sigh of exhaustion. Or who issue a muted eye roll at the prospect of bowling. These are your tribe. Find them. Cultivate them. And when all else fails, throw them directly under the bus, Regina George–style.
Stick the landing
Feeling bullish over your assertions that Breaking Bad is formulaic and melodramatic? It’s time to take the plunge, raise your voice and stick to your guns. Nobody gets a raise by tiptoeing into their boss’s office and tepidly asking if a raise would be economically feasible. Nut up, soldier, and stick those opinions where nobody asked for them. Then stand back and revel in the fallout.
Of course, this advanced technique applies only to relationship-ruining opinions (beginners: refer to section 1 before attempting). If Donald Trump has taught us anything, it’s that conviction and tone are everything. The rest is just phonemes that make up syllables and words and sentences, and honestly, who’s even paying attention at the point?
Have an out
Let’s face it, unpopular opinions are unpopular for a reason. If you’re looking for a pat on the back and a crisp five-dollar-bill, you’re in the wrong business (but if you happen to find that particular business, please connect me on LinkedIn). If you follow my breakthrough system, odds are you’ll still end up rustling a few feathers, burning a few bridges and rustling a few burnt bridges made of feathers.
There may come a time when you must abandon your resolve and slip out the back of the bar or hurl your buddy onto the sacrificial pyre. If all else fails, I find a flash grenade comes in handy in a pinch.
It’s time
Congratulations! You’re now ready to go out into the world, butt your head into other people’s business and cause unnecessary tension for the sake of speaking your mind, which is really at the heart of this great democracy. So go shake things up and add to social dialogue, modern thought and academic discourse. You are, after all, entitled to your own opinion. But when an incensed coworker asks what compelled you to say such an awful thing about Karen’s baby, you monster, just don’t use my name.
