They’re at the table next to you at your corner coffee shop. They’re sitting next to you on the bus. They’re even surfing in competitions now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in San Francisco — it takes no time to realize that San Francisco loves its dogs.
And you’ve heard the stat: there are more dogs in this city than children. This got me thinking about the many stereotypes and vaguely written articles out there that attempt to describe what the neighborhoods that define this quirky city are actually like. So instead, I turned to the experts, if the experts were dogs and the dogs themselves were stereotypes of the neighborhoods. Because you didn’t click on this article for another generic neighborhood explainer, did you?
Noe Valley: Golden Retriever
Woof! They don’t peg me as majestic and friendly for nothing. I feel most comfortable lounging on sidewalk patios or being dragged beside a $1,000 UPPAbaby stroller with my $200 grooming job gleaming in the sun. I take up quite a bit of space, but luckily, my house has plenty of it to spare.
The Marina: Goldendoodle
Woof! Don’t let my manicured, hypoallergenic look sway you. Can’t you tell how fit I am by my athleisure-inspired collar and leash? I love all the attention I get while walking down Chestnut Street — I’m a social media influencer, after all. Have you taken my picture yet?! I prefer more high-end, healthy dog food, even if it’s a little boring. Just don’t call me basic, OK?
North Beach: Bulldog
Woof! I love being surrounded by so much history. I’m a pretty historic breed myself. Plus, brooding like a poet outside City Lights is totally my vibe. But don’t be turned off by my tough exterior — I’m actually quite friendly and enjoy slurping up a bowl of Italian meatballs.
Hayes Valley: Corgi
Woof! I’m so on-trend that I have my own Con, and all the good social media includes me in it. Oh, you like my coat? Thanks, I got it at this fancy boutique down the block. You probably can’t afford anything in there, though. You probably can’t afford me. And you definitely can’t afford to live here. You can totally visit me, though.
The Castro: French Bulldog
Woof! I’m a little high maintenance with a tinge of grunge, and I definitely never go out of style. I’m surprisingly expensive, but when my tastes are artsy and entertaining, you pay for what you get. Sometimes my dads go out dancing, but I’m happy to stay home cozied up on the couch binging Queer Eye.
Pacific Heights: Pomeranian
Woof! I might be a little dog, but I demand a lot of attention. Just look at how cute I am with my impressive clothing and custom doghouse! Have you seen my house? No, you haven’t; it has an eight-foot wall around it. I heard someone passing by my yard the other day saying that their apartment is the size of my doghouse. They’re obviously just jealous.
Bernal Heights: Bernese Mountain Dog
Woof! I prefer to be lying down and sprawled out at all times, and luckily, I can do that here. I’m friendly and outdoorsy, and I enjoy just taking it easy. My parents and I spend most of our time on hikes or hanging out at breweries, so I can’t complain.
Potrero/Dogpatch: Australian Shepherd
Woof! I’ve been told that I have a little too much energy, so I like to run up and down this big hill! I also love hanging out with all my dog friends and showing off all my tricks! Did I mention that I have a lot of energy?! Look at all these new places to visit!
Tenderloin: Chihuahua
Woof! Yeah, that’s right. I’m scrappy — so what? Life isn’t all bully sticks and puppuccinos, no matter what the other guys tell you. At least I have some integrity left. Not a fan of being groomed or gentrified.
The Sunset: Husky
Woof! Everyone thinks it’s cold here, but this is my kind of weather. Who wants to be in the sun all the time anyway, when the ocean is calling? Dog surfing is really blowing up, and I think I’ve really found my calling.
The Richmond: Beagle
Woof! I’m a little bit more sophisticated than that last dog you had—and a lot more easygoing. I’m just in it for the good food and ample space, so tell those other dogs to stop complaining about the fog and just chill.
SOMA: Boxer
Woof! You’ve got a job for me to do? Great! I love working hard and solving problems that my fellow canines face. Did you know that the tick population is booming? It’s plaguing my friends, and I’m totally going to solve that.
Russian Hill: Poodle
I’m smart. I’m fancy. And I definitely don’t shed. There’s a reason everyone wants to breed with me, OK?
The Haight: Pug
Woof! It’s all about the love, man. I’ve got a lot of fans because, well, just look at me. I’m mischievous and charming all at the same time. People flock to hang out with me. Wait, maybe it’s those CBD treats my parents give out to me and all my friends when they come over? No, it’s definitely because I look so good in my tie-dyed collar. Free love was born here in the Summer of Love. So sorry if I hump your leg.
Oakland: A cat
Please leave me out of this conversation.
