You’re so used to San Francisco’s housing situation, you think having a family of raccoons as housemates is worth the rent discount. (It’s not.) In any case, when dismal housing conditions feel “normal,” you know the rental market has gone crazy.
Anyway, I’m here to remind you of the warning signs of apartment shittiness. Note: these are all based on true stories from the Bay Area, but they apply to other expensive cities like New York, too.
Your landlord lets himself/herself into your apartment to read the newspaper on your couch.
You have no working fire alarms.
Your neighbor calls the cops on you for accidentally setting off your fire alarm.
An unfortunate plumbing issue results in sewage pouring out of your shower drain.
Your subletter’s cousin comes by while you’re not home and dumps furniture onto your living room floor for “storage.”
You questioned your landlord about raising the rent when you live in a rent-controlled apartment, and they told you that you’re ruining their karma.
Your very old downstairs neighbor steals your sorority sweatshirt from the dryer, and you see him wearing it, but he doesn’t speak English, so you have to take an L.
There’s a gooey, red, funky ooze coming out of your walls that, despite your efforts, you have yet to identify.
You get a ticket for parking in your own driveway.
Your bedroom ceiling caves not once, but twice, due to rain.
Bugs.
Mice.
Your neighbor is literally a stalker, and you have to record footage of them to prove it.
You find actual mushrooms growing in your carpet…and not the magical kind.
Your landlord tries to cover up black mold in the hallway by bleaching it.
You haven’t had a bedroom door for two years.
Spot illustrations by Nicole Clark.
