As a Bay Area renter, I often find myself diving into the darkest corner of the housing section on Craigslist to see if it’s worth moving out of my current rental situation. Perhaps a unicorn is hidden somewhere deep in the depths of the ’90s-looking site we all still use (for whatever reason), one that will allow me to pay decent rent at a nice place where I won’t have to share a bathroom with 12 roommates or promise to give up my first-born child in order to afford it. But then I remember where I’m living.
We all know how horrific the situation is here—nearly half of renters spend more than 35 percent of their total household income on housing—and my wild dreams about the cheap Oakland housing I once knew are always quickly shattered when I scroll down the list of rentals and see their outrageous prices and descriptions. So I’ve rounded up what I found this month on Craiglist—a sad group of questionable and downright appalling options—to showcase the abysmal state of rentals in this town. Happy perusing.
1. The “loft”—a.k.a. horror room in the attic
If you watch scary movies, you already know what happens in attics, and it ain’t good. You’ll find either the decaying corpse of the landlord’s satanic grandmother or a poltergeist that hides among children’s toys. Fortunately, there are seemingly no ghosts in this particular rental, but there’s also no insulation.
But for a whopping $750 a month, at least you have a fan to call your own, a “bright light perfect for reading and/or studying,” and a “memory foam” mattress tossed on the ground.
2 The room within a shitty garage
Here we are. San Francisco 2019. Here you can pay nearly $1,000 a month for a 130-square-foot shithole. This is clearly a garage conversion, which is nothing new. Although they’re often illegal, they are usually cheaper than a room for rent. If your potential new rental’s door faces the garage, then you better believe this is a conversion gone wrong.
3. The studio with absolutely no cooking
The good news? You get your own bathroom! The bad news? You will have to significantly downsize your bedroom set. And forget about eating reheated pizza on your bed while binge-watching Netflix—you don’t even get a microwave, for nearly $1,000.
4. The no-self-employed rental
If you’re a freelancer looking for a rental, don’t bother with this gem. Or if you’re retired. Or if you work at home. Or if you cook a lot. Or if you want to have anyone over. The roommates do not want you to move in, in that case. Basically, they don’t want you to be around at all (“A person that keeps to him or herself in his / her bedroom would be ideal”). Yikes.
The original post has been updated, and the monthly rent is now $140.00 cheaper. The details remain just as depressing.
5. The space you can live in only during the week
A new term floating around Craigslist is “commuter” unit. With these spaces, “cheaper” rent is offered to those who have a long commute from home and prefer to stay close to work during the week and go home over the weekend.
You’d better head home on Friday after work, because you can’t stay in this room even though you’ll be paying $600 a month for it.
6. The place for a “magical creature”
For $2,600, you get to live in your very own Ravenclaw room (without having Luna Lovegood as your housemate). The home is called House Alexandria. If your ideal fantasy involves a mash-up of Harry Potter and The Walking Dead, this is the rental for you! Do you have to join a cult? Is this the tech-bro version of a frat house? Waste no time in reaching out to David, the “Sorcerer Founder of Le House,” to find out.
7. The RV with no “Little Miss Sunshine” vibes
An RV rental is the ideal situation if you’re going to hit the road to drive down scenic routes, but not so much as temporary or permanent housing. The rental situation is such that you’ll find plenty of these “rentals.”
For $650, you’ll at least get access to a place in which to dump your sewage.
8. The tiny home
Tiny homes are supposed to be a minimalist dream while offering all the perks of a full-size home. This particular space, however, offers extreme minimalism, so good luck fitting in a full-size bed. And, hey, if you want to use the bathroom, you’ll have to go through a magical garden to make it to the main house.
9. The one where you must include a “pic”
Nothing screams creepy more than the phrases “Looking for a female” and “Please include a pic.” No matter how desperately you need housing, please stay away from this one.
