by Chin Lu
I was recently hit with a twofer on the eve of my 27th birthday: my boyfriend broke up with me, and soon after, I was unexpectedly laid off from my job.
My ex and I had been together for a year, making this the most serious relationship I’ve been in. Not only was our split a bummer for me, but I felt like I was letting my family down too because everyone had been so excited about him.
And after years of working at advertising agencies, I had gone in-house for the first time. Looking for more stability, I underestimated just how unpredictable startups can be — I was at that job for only nine months before the layoff occurred.When my ex and my boss gave me the boot, I reacted the same: with stunned silence. Then my mind flooded with crippling self-doubt.
Nothing like a double whammy to launch you into a quarter-life crisis.
Midlife crises are nothing new. Heck, my uncle even bought a Harley-Davidson motorcycle after he retired (he rode it only a handful of times before selling it). But quarter-life crises are a thing too: You don’t need a marriage and a mortgage to feel the ground drop out beneath you as you wonder what the hell you’re supposed to be doing with your life now. This is especially true when you lose two things that give you a major sense of security at once: your job and your relationship.
You don’t need a marriage and a mortgage to feel the ground drop out beneath you as you wonder what the hell you’re supposed to be doing with your life now. This is especially true when you lose two things that give you a major sense of security at once: your job and your relationship.
I’d gotten glimpses of this quarter-life crisis before. When I was job hunting right out of college, I experienced frequent headaches, troubled breathing, and bouts of nausea for weeks until I realized they were physical manifestations of my stress, anxiety, and panic. This time around, it seems like no matter how many hours I sleep and how much caffeine I consume, my energy level remains low. I forgot to eat a few times before realizing lethargy and low appetite are both signs of depression, so I’ve stopped skipping meals.
Along with the paralyzing emotions of a quarter-life crisis comes the pressure that I now have all the free time in the world and yet not enough time to do everything I’m supposed to be doing. Everyone around me is suggesting different methods of moving forward: file for unemployment immediately, take a vacation, use this opportunity to really figure out what you want in life, this is the perfect time to make a big switch. Well-meaning friends are trying to set me up with their single friends and their HR departments. I’m constantly vacillating between applying to jobs, worrying about how to continue living in this expensive city, and feeling extremely guilty about hosting this solo pity party when other people are dealing with much more pressing issues.
To prevent from going into a total tailspin, I looked up some facts about unemployed millennials. California has the fourth highest unemployment rate right now. And nationally by age, people in their 20s have the highest unemployment rate behind 16- to 19-year-olds (Bureau of Labor Statistics). Even for working millennials, the job market isn’t stable. My mom just retired after working at the same company for more than 30 years, but for those between the ages of 18 and 32, the average American goes through eight different jobs. The average tenure of workers between the ages of 25 and 34 is only three years while it is only 1.3 years for those 20 to 24, and we’re often advised that jumping ships is the quicker and surer way to get a raise and a higher position. FOMO doesn’t just apply to weekend plans for millennials, and it does make it much tougher to figure out what’s next.
California has the fourth highest unemployment rate right now. And nationally by age, people in their 20s have the highest unemployment rate behind 16- to 19-year-olds. Even for working millennials, the job market isn’t stable.
And say I eschew a traditional career path and go for a more unconventional job. It’s not always easy to understand the steps it takes to get there because there are very few precedents. There are those who become digital influencers simply by sharing their hobbies and creative projects online; for example, people I worked with on marketing campaigns at my last job. We live in a world where fashion bloggers can monetize their content of daily outfit photos, and people like Justin Bieber can be discovered via YouTube. But for every online personality who “made it,” there are millions who didn’t.
In the Bay Area this dichotomy is especially apparent, making it extra difficult for millennials to manage expectations and feel like whatever we’re doing is enough. This is San Francisco, the city of a thousand startups, or Silicon Valley, where all your tech dreams are supposed to come true. We have prominent poster children like Mark Zuckerberg who became a billionaire at 23 among the high concentration of successful millennial entrepreneurs. But how many mobile apps are launched with fanfare, then never become profitable?
It’s also too easy to make false assumptions about how well we think others are doing in contrast to ourselves — assumptions that make scanning your social media feeds hell when you hit bottom. Even as someone who has worked in social media marketing, I can’t step away from the online rat race for likes and comments. Of course I didn’t tell everyone I’d been laid off on Facebook. Instead I’ve been posting pictures of food or happy selfies. And I’d be lying if I said that I don’t occasionally stalk successful acquaintances’ profiles with envy.
I’m not alone in my social media trap. In The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter — And How to Make the Most of Them Now psychologist Dr. Meg Jay discusses how her 20-something patients use social media to “curate” their lives to appear more interesting than their realities. And they do this while simultaneously comparing themselves to their friends’ social media activities, resulting in always feeling inadequate. It is a never-ending game, and Jay emphasizes the importance of millennials discovering what is authentic about us, regardless of what others say or do.
In my downtime, I’ve been doing a lot of reading (if you couldn’t tell). In her book Yes Please, Amy Poehler writes that she really hated when people asked her “What do you want to do?” in her 20s. I wholeheartedly relate to that. Every time I hear that question, I fight the urge to shoot that person a dozen-daggers glare or howl “I DON’T KNOW” melodramatically. Poehler muses that the more effective question to ask young people is actually, “What do you not want to do?” Recognizing things we want to avoid is just as important as knowing the goals we want to strive for.
Sometimes all we really need is just reassurance that the quarter-life crisis is real, to know that other people out there are experiencing similar things, and to hear from those who have made it through.
It’s been a month since my layoff, and I’ve been using the time to rule out a few things for myself. For instance, I refuse to move home. I’ve also been trying to expand my employment reach, going after freelance, part-time, and contractor positions as well as full-time jobs. Anything to get me in the door at the right place.
I’m still getting used to setting my schedule without a nine-to-five, but my days since the double breakup are actually filling up with interviews, recruiter calls, first dates, and sage advice from friends having quarter-life crises of their own. As for returning to the dating scene, well, it hasn’t changed that much since I left, but the big difference is that I am now equipped with newly gained knowledge about what I’m not looking for that hopefully will help me navigate better this time.
In the end, I believe something my wise older friend Dom told me: “Everything you’re feeling and thinking is totally normal. The only way to grow is to work through these inner struggles, and the only way through is to deal with them.” Sometimes all we really need is just reassurance that the quarter-life crisis is real, to know that other people out there are experiencing similar things, and to hear from those who have made it through.
