1. The Battle of Berkeley:
After marching across the country for several weeks, Trump’s troops — led by alt-right champion Milo Yiannopoulos — descended upon Sproul Plaza. Trees burned. Students marched. Police shot non-lethal bullets. Amid the black-bloc protesters were agents provocateur trying to martyr themselves to breathe life into Trump’s threat toward Cal. “NO FEDERAL FUNDS”?
2. Things Get Personal:
The Bay Area wants Trump to know that he can’t just wage war on our values and expect us to go down without a fight. In a hearing to hold out resistance to the controversial Muslim ban, hometown-hero judge Michelle Friedland of the US Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit called out Trump’s seemingly contagious racism. Hers is a strong, official voice that validated the crowds defending San Francisco’s sanctuary status last Saturday.
3. California Is “Out of Control,” Apparently
On the defensive now, Trump called out California for being “out of control” in a pre-Super Bowl interview with Bill O’Reilly. What exactly it is about California that is so out of control he failed to say. That our thriving economy gives more to the federal government than it takes, and that California could, as a sovereign nation, be the sixth-largest economy in the world? Whatever he means, he let Californians know how he feels: “Obviously, the voters agree, or otherwise they wouldn’t have voted for me.” Did he forget that he lost the popular vote by almost three million?
4. An Unexpected Hero:
Former Republican California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger managed to release a brief message from the set of The Apprentice, where he is currently in a hostage situation. In a graceful marriage of rhetoric and brawn, Schwarzenegger admitted a desire to “Smash [Trump’s] face into a table.” A new battle cry?
5. The Kidnapping:
Risking it all in enemy territory, Manhattan comedians conspired to kidnap White House press secretary Sean Spicer and replace him with SNL operative Melissa McCarthy. The operation went almost as planned; no one noticed the difference. When word of the swap leaked (we think Putin tipped him off), President Trump was enraged — mostly that his country allowed a woman to do a man’s job.
6. #DefendGrizzlies (Fake News):
Recently defected National Parks Services employees helped shuttle the Grizzly Bear population of the Pacific Northwest into California territory to get them to safety. They are now a hunted and endangered species following the official Senate confirmation of Betsy DeVos as education secretary after a 51–50 vote, with VP Mike Pence breaking the tie. Rumors swirled that she hopes to join forces with the NRA and raise a militia of armed elementary-school children to fight back against the Grizzlies.
7. A New Hope:
Prophet Trevor Noah foresees that Jay Z and Beyoncé’s unborn twins will one day rise up, return to New York City and fight back against the Dark Side rising in the East. Arnold S. pledges to defend them loyally in battle.
Seriously, though. This all (mostly) happened. If you like the idea of Queen B. one day ruling over a professed Sanctuary Nation, look up the petition for California Independence by Spring 2019. It’s a real thing, and should it get enough signatures, Californians could be voting on CalExit on the ballot next year.
