Hi, Jessica.
Why do men cheat? I’ve been cheated on before, and I’m scared that it will happen over and over again. I want to believe men are good, but my faith has been rocked by bad experiences.
— Scared in Love
Wow, that’s kind of a huge question, SIL, and one that there’s no simple answer for. Men are, of course, a diverse group of individuals, and there are different reasons why people do shady things in various situations. Let’s unpack what you’re asking, but before we do, I think it’s only fair to say that there’s nothing intrinsically superior about monogamy. Plenty of people aren’t naturally monogamous, and that is what it is. But cheating is about a person making a sexual and emotional agreement and then breaking it. This generally requires a bunch of lying, and that just sucks.
When a person is deceitful, it’s because they have problems with their own self. Never, ever blame yourself for somebody else’s bad behavior, SIL. When someone does you wrong, that’s a reflection of them, not you.
People (’cause let’s face it — all genders do it) cheat for lots of reasons. The primary one is being weak. Don’t get me wrong — I don’t mean they’re weak in the face of desire and temptation. I mean weak in terms of moral character. Doing shit on the DL is an attempt to hide from consequences. Grown people get to do what they want, but there are repercussions to our actions. Cheating is an attempt to avoid these repercussions, and it amounts to a blatant disregard for the needs of the person who’s getting cheated on, and often the person they’re cheating with. When a person makes a commitment to be monogamous but does whatever they want anyway, that’s a selfish and entitled call to make. It’s hella common, but it’s wrong. Infidelity can be a sign that someone isn’t happy, and it’s a common way to passive-aggressively sabotage a relationship. Of course, sometimes cheating is a spontaneous, unplanned act, and the cheater is authentically remorseful.
There are countless theories about why men cheat, but the stupidest one I’ve ever heard is that they are driven by their need to propagate their damn seed. What total crap! Guys wanting to have multiple sexual partners may be about that (I totally don’t think so, but anything is possible), but being dishonest and untrustworthy just to procreate is a different matter altogether.
So let me tell you what a guy cheating for sure isn’t about: you. A man doesn’t cheat because their partner is bad in bed or because their partner wears flats instead of heels. If a guy doesn’t want to be with you because of those things, that’s their prerogative, but to break promises or risk another person’s sexual health is a separate thing. When a person is deceitful, it’s because they have problems with their own self. Never, ever blame yourself for somebody else’s bad behavior, SIL. When someone does you wrong, that’s a reflection of them, not you.
If you find that you keep choosing to be with people who aren’t honest or stick around after someone has proven themself to be untrustworthy, that’s totally on you, though. Don’t look for the reason why a person doesn’t treat you with respect. Look instead at why you’ve been attracted to unavailable and disloyal people. Trusting is hard, and when we start racking up evidence that a situation isn’t safe, it’s really easy to choose to hide from that fact, but that’s not the answer, SIL.
Try to focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself and live a healthy and happy life. Don’t let the unkindness of others shape your life! If a guy is making you unhappy and cheating on you, it’s time to leave and find a better, kinder guy. They’re out there, I promise.
XO,
Jessica
The Mission’s resident advisor gets booked months in advance by San Franciscans seeking help with all kinds of relationship issues. So we asked Jessica if she’d come on board to do a weekly advice column, Truth Talk, for The Bold Italic. If you have a burning question for Truth Talk with Jessica Lanyadoo, you can post your question anonymously here or e-mail her at truthtalkwithjessica@gmail.com, and check back on Wednesdays to see if she has an answer for you.
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