By Fiona Lee and Andrew Chamings
When you call for an UberPool, you not only get to save some bucks in getting to your destination, but you also get to sit in very close proximity to folks you would never normally meet. Sometimes this can be a beautiful bonding moment in this mad world we call the Bay Area, at other times, it’s a living nightmare.
Here are some of our “favorite” passengers.
1. The guy who tells you San Francisco was so much better before gentrification
It’s just not the same anymore, man. It was so different years ago when he moved here (2012). He hates gentrification but loves that there are multiple fourth-wave coffee roasters on his block. He got a steal on his three-bedroom Victorian in Noe Valley. He Airbnbs two of the rooms at 4,000% market rate.
2. The Burner
He refused to wash the salty desert sand off his car despite Burning Man having happened four months ago, and it seized up the motor, so he’s Uber-bound for now. He won’t tip the driver, as money is just, like, a construct? Playa life was like a spiritual awakening, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. You wouldn’t understand.
3. The tech worker who doesn’t want to say he’s in tech
Sure, he’s sporting a T-shirt from a startup he doesn’t work for and carrying a gray backpack for the company he does work for, but that doesn’t mean he’s one of those guys. He’s a self-aware feminist, okay? He isn’t part of the problem, but he does work for a company that’s on speaking terms with ICE. He’s trying to change it from the inside. Really.
4. The couple making out
Is that the sound of a pug slurping fro-yo from a mug? No, it’s a couple of horned-up micro-dosing millennials who are seemingly only a few minutes from copulating, right here in the back of a Prius in the FIDI, right here on your lap. They just met on Tinder, and they’ll never meet again. They’re just living in the moment, you square.
5. The loud business guy taking a call
He slides in, yakking into his AirPods without greeting the driver or the other passengers, turning the car into his own all-hands meeting. While sucking down a pomegranate 5-hour Energy drink, he’s gibbering about “burn rate,” “IPO blackouts,” and “hemorrhaging crypto.” You know that he must have signed an NDA, but he doesn’t seem to have a problem sharing to a bunch of strangers the fact that his startup is failing.
6. The boomer
They spent an hour waiting on the corner for a taxi until a millennial showed them how to open their Uber app, and now they’re here. Despite a three-hour all-caps rant on Nextdoor yesterday about how ride-sharing is unsafe, they admit that this is kinda convenient. They spend the ride complaining about all the housing development in their neighborhood and also about how their kids can’t afford to live here. Okay, boomer.
7. The creep
He loves the majestic color of coral in your eyes. He leans in too close and tells you that you smell of vanilla, which is an aphrodisiac, you know. He wants to know if you’re married, because if you are, that’s cool too. He explains to you how polyamory has changed his world, before inviting you to a cuddle puddle.
8. The drunk
He lost his friends somewhere in a dive bar in Haight Ashbury. He has sriracha in his beard. He offers you a shot of some unidentifiable cocktail in his warm water bottle. He sticks his head out the window like a dog to clear his head. Okay, he’s vomiting out the window.
9. The extrovert
She’s talking like you’ve been BFFs since college, but you just met her two blocks ago. She’s reading you texts from her ex! She’s guessing your star sign! She wants to exchange numbers because she knows that you’re going to do lunch! She’s sitting real close and ending every sentence in an exclamation mark! Maybe two!!
10. Your driver
You do talk to your driver, right?
