By Adrian Spinelli
Our in-air staple catalog of gadgetries, curiosities, and other inexplicably useless items, SkyMall, has folded. The company filed for bankruptcy protection after realizing that no one wants to buy that shit anymore.
Seriously though, their sales dropped to below 50% of 2013’s $33.7 million and SkyMall head honcho Scott Wiley said that “With the increased use of electronic devices on planes, fewer people browsed the SkyMall in-flight catalog.” Looks like that crappy airplane internet works after all, eh?
About a year ago, we started poking fun at some of the really useful items available in this fine publication. And we figured now’s a great time to look at the essential items that SkyMall offers before Amazon forges a partnership with airlines to take over your in-air shopping needs (you heard it here first.) I give you your now defunct moment(s) of zen:
Can you say, “Bootleg Dolores Park movie night?” This also doubles as a kiddie pool. And a bounce-house. And a life-saving floatation device. In fact, bring it with you on your next cruise! You can watch Jaws 2, or The Notebook, while you’re waiting to be rescued (signal flares not included).
(From the “Top Sellers” section) I’ve ALWAYS wanted one of these! Ever since those beef jerky commercials with Bigfoot in them, I’ve been a big fan. Actually, this might be a great retirement gift for my mother-in-law, who was a huge Harry and the Henderson fan. Actually no, I don’t have a mother-in-law.
The pet accessories really take the cake at SkyMall. This “Chaise Lounger” was actually designed by those two miniature collies, Fifi and Maxine. Maxine didn’t like it at first but to be fair, she’s really picky. In fact, she only eats organic dog food from Rainbow Grocery and refuses to go for a walk at Duboce Park. “That place is so dirty, I’ll only let you take me to the Upper Noe or Douglass Dog Parks,” she barked.
With a 4.8 stars, this must be a real hit on the Pittsburgh flight. I’m trying to click “Add To Cart,” but it’s “not available???” Damn you Pittsburgh! Damn you!
Best part about this one, is that the ONE person (they were surely sitting in first class) who left a review, gave it 5 stars. Can you imagine buying an $8.5K chair and not thinking it was a 5 star purchase?? “Actually … the calf squeezers were a little too gentle. We’ll just give it to Goodwill, honey.”
They come in one color: Pink (duh). Wonder if they have these in an adult male size? “Mer-man! [cough, cough] Mer-MAN!”
See…now this a purchase I can get behind [blank stare]. Not gonna lie, kinda curious how well this works and what better place to buy this than 30,000 feet in the air when no one can judge me? Or I can just go to Rock Hard in the Castro, where no one can judge me. God bless San Francisco.
Ok, now this item alone seems like it could’ve saved SkyMall’s business! This is really useful. I like that there’s also a little drawstring that makes sure the beer bottle is nice and snug, cause you know … I wouldn’t want it to shake around and get really foamy. Someone was really thinking on this one and that’s why it’s a “USA Today 10 Best.” We approve.
This is unisex bee tee dubs. So both men and women can be the Dark Knight of the bedroom. This also doubles as a costume for a “crazy MUNI rider.” You wouldn’t dare talk to the guy (or girl) in Batman PJs on the bus. Only drawback here? There’s no footies :-/ Next.
Conversely, Cal fans can use this as a designated “going to the bathroom” spot for their dog. (Note: Must be inflated to 12.5 PSI)
For the future bloodsucker…err…lawyer in the family. Or, for your friend who’s just can’t seem to pass the California Bar Exam (we all have one) this could be a last resort novel study technique, before they say “fuck it!” and just move to Illinois to take their cakewalk test.
Companies like SkyMall will try anything these days to keep their aging execs in shape. You gotta compete with these “digital-age” start-ups somehow right?!
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