From braving the wind chill of San Francisco to raising the confidence of start-up founders, Patagonia fleeces have endured it all. Often seen with critical mass at Whole Foods, they’ve protected their owners with the strength and self-righteousness we’ve come to expect from their $100 –$300 price tag. From Berkeley students marching against Big Gluten to venture-capitalist billionaires blending wads of cash inside a Juicero, Patagonia fleeces endow wearers with a casual, athleisure je ne sais quoi.
Throw one on, and BLAMMO! You’re instantly blessed with the “I work in tech, but I also like the outdoors” vibe.Also, “I’m an asshole.”But these Alpine-born and Alpine-raised fleeces are sick of being used for your avocado-fueled frenzies at the farmers’ market. They have chosen to remain silent.
Until now.
I had a chance to sit down with several of them to hear their stories.
Dave, SoMa District
“Honestly, I don’t know what to say. I guess it’s one of those things where I feel like my owner doesn’t appreciate me anymore. I mean, I’ve been through so much with Ben. Like, I remember when he wore me at his first VC pitch meeting. God, he was sweating profusely. Now? He just throws me on the floor whenever he gets home from one of those stupid networking events. And get this, I haven’t been washed in eight months, and he never wears me out on dates anymore. If I had to guess, I think he’s cheating on me with North Face.”
Cheryl, Mission District
“I’m just going to come out and say it: I’m lonely. Look, I love my owner. Rachel’s great, and we’ve had the best times together. But to be honest, I don’t see much of my kind around the Mission, if you know what I’m saying. I grew up in a factory and lived inside of a cardboard box at an Amazon warehouse, so I’m used to the ghetto. But there’s only so long you can survive out in the wild without, you know, your people. Don’t get me wrong—the Mission’s great, and it has some pretty good burritos (I have a guacamole stain on my left arm to prove it), but I’m hated by hipsters.”
Lisa, Outer Sunset
“It’s so cold here. Please take me with you.”
Vince, Marina District
“Listen, this is my town. You want to take a shot? On me, bro. What are we talking about again? Oh, right. Yeah, I dig it here. Chad and I go way back. He wears me everywhere, you know. From buying a handle to raging with his boys on a Friday night, I’m there with him, every Jäger bomb of the way. If you have a beef with Chad, you have a beef with me, and that’s because he wears me everywhere, like I already said before, you know. Bro, all I’m saying is don’t mess, ’cause I put the Gucci in Patagucci. Yahtzee!”
Patrick, Menlo Park
“What can I say—this is where it happens. The magic, the innovation, the old white men. Money everywhere like there’s no tomorrow. Do you ever wonder what it’d be like to wake up and spend most of your day inside either a boardroom or a Tesla Model S? Well, that’s my life. It’s great. Boys in this town go crazy for me, and let me tell you, I’ve seen it all. Zuck’s Series A pitch — BOOM! I was there. Cougar Night at the Rosewood — BOOM! You sure as hell bet I was there. But sometimes I wonder if life exists beyond this bubble. And then I think to myself, ‘Nah.’”
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