The Bay Area’s sports franchises boast rich and unique legacies, but let’s face it—their names are terrible. Last time I checked, our region isn’t particularly renowned for harboring Tolkienesque giants (nor Balrogs nor Ents), and the only sharks I’ve witnessed in San Jose were of the pool variety, thank you very much.
In honor of the real cultural heritage of Northern California, here’s a list of team names that more accurately reflects the spirit of the Bay Area.
Football
San Francisco Forty-Niners → San Francisco Cheese & Winers: In honor of the bourgie tastes and aesthetically palatable cuisine characteristic of the region, the recently relocated football squad deserves a team name indicative of the culture. Although the diet might have adverse effects on their overall athleticism, fans will surely enjoy the complementary pairings and spit buckets.
Oakland Raiders → Oakland Fair Traders: What this name lacks in intimidation, it makes up for in marketability. Think about it—they’re the first NFL team to stand in solidarity with the fair-trade movement. Although I’m not exactly sure how a professional-sports franchise could ever function under the requirements of fair trade, there is no doubt in my mind how successful this rebranding could be. If the Raiders traded in their silver and black for tie-dye, and their cleats for some Birkenstocks, viewers would be unable to look away from the wardrobe horror in front of them, like a spaghetti-stained white dress shirt or literally anytime the Seattle Seahawks wear their lime-green alternates. Zing.
Hockey
San Jose Sharks → San Jose Parallel Parks: Good luck—am I right? When San Jose has a hockey game, the streets flood with waves of fans, all looking for that prime parking real estate. Ideally, the stress induced from the prospect of navigating SJ’s sparse parking scene will throw opposing teams off guard, and maybe even offside (that’s a hockey reference for the majority of sports fans who believe real games take place on solid ground instead of ice).
Baseball
San Francisco Giants → San Francisco Notice of Noncompliance: The city of San Francisco is renaming their baseball team due to a failure on behalf of current tenants to acknowledge and/or recognize previous notices sent to the residents of AT&T Park. The Giants maintain the right to request a hearing to contest the finding of noncompliance by way of an injunction or a stay of the corrective action in district court within 10 days of receipt of this notice.
Oakland A’s → Oakland Mac Dre’s: Hopefully, this name change makes up for the previous Oakland rebranding. Maybe Raiders fans would become die-hard baseballers and vice versa, with the Coliseum bumping “Get Stupid” between each and every batter. Mix in a little bit of “Dreganomics” during the seventh-inning stretch, and suddenly, Oakland’s baseball scene has the die-hard fanbase that Billy Bean once tapped into.
Basketball
Golden State Warriors → Golden State Social Justice Warriors: Good-bye, three-pointers; hello, misogyny-pointer-outers. The Bay Area is woke as hell, so it only makes sense for its currently dominant ballers to adopt the liberal moniker. I personally wouldn’t mind seeing Steph Curry taking a break from regular free throws and instead practicing some free-Tibet throws. Unfortunately, the team’s protests of the binary scoring system could result in quite a few losses, at least until the NBA recognizes that the scoring of baskets should be measured as a spectrum.
Although no sports team name will ever be able to perfectly reflect its city’s demographics, these names at the very least enliven the organizations. Who knows—maybe in a few years’ time fans will be able to sit back in their ergonomic chairs, sip a yerba mate and stream a Notice of Noncompliance play-off game on their iPhone 9s. But then again, maybe I’m just a hopeless, sports-obsessed dreamer.
