I grew up in Oregon, where the epitome of class is enrolling someone in the Harry & David Fruit of the Month Club. Now the “subscription box” business model is one of the hottest start-up trends — and whether you want to pork out or primp, there’s a subscription box marketed to you.
And while there are some good ideas out there, there are also many subscription-box entrepreneur asshats looking for a sucker. How many people want a different kind of moss delivered to their terrarium every month? Moss literally grows on trees. Hence, I’ve curated a list of stupid subscription boxes, followed by a few awesome ones below. Do you know of any other regrettable (or awesome) subscription boxes? If so, add them to the comments section below.
Subscription Boxes I Would Never Buy
Henny & Roo
Official description: “Chicken products delivered monthly.”
Because you don’t want to bore your chickens with the same old treats and toys.
TeeBlox
Official description: “A T-shirt subscription service that brings 100% authentic licensed geek and gamer shirts to your doorstep every month.”
Shouldn’t you put more thought into what’s on your T-shirt? Or if you’re really feeling uninspired, you could at least copy Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.
Butt Box Club
Official description: “A monthly subscription plan to satisfy all of your anal fantasy needs.”
Maybe I’m just a naïve ass-sex virgin, but how many different objects does a person really need inserted into their rectum?
Can Pants
Official description: “Pants for you can!”
Maybe you should worry about how your own pants look (I’m talking to you, Mr. Dad Jeans) before you dress up your beer in a cozy.
Leggings of the Month Club
Official description: “Get a surprise pair of unique leggings every month.”
Leggings are not pants, people — no matter how “spunky” they are.
The Crappie Box
Official description: “Receive a mystery box of crappie lures every month.”
This one has an unappealing name, but I guess a crappie is a kind of fishing lure. One reviewer in Field & Stream magazine called this subscription box “the perfect crappy jig.”
Please teach me that dance.
Mogul Behaviour Box
Official description: “The Mogul Box is a subscription box for female entrepreneurs and go-getters looking to be inspired and take action toward their dreams.”
Could include office décor, a vision-board mix or beauty products. Listed under the Fashion and Beauty category on Cratejoy, this box is the anti-Lean In.
Indy In A Box
Official description: “Would you be interested in receiving a box of coffee once a month with roasters not only from the Indy area but from around the entire state of Indiana?”
You were expecting some hipster stuff? Is Indiana known for its coffee? Comes with an antiabortion diatribe signed by Mike Pence. (Not really).
Mushroom Cultures of the Month Club
Official description: “The three syringes you receive will be drawn from our growing culture library that currently has over 66 different mushroom strains ranging from edible, medicinal, carnivorous, bio-luminescent and ones that find use in bio-remediation.”
No syringes filled with carnivorous fungi for me, thanks.
Dip of the Month Club
Official description: “Perfect for anyone who loves to dazzle their guests with unique tastes to compliment their chips, crackers, veggies, etc.”
Shouldn’t that be “complement?” I’ll dazzle my party guests with my grasp on the English language and my cheese ball instead.
Give Me Iceland
Official description: “A monthly treat box all the way from Iceland.”
After a year you’ll practically have one product for every person in Iceland.
Bandana of the Month Club — Size Large Handmade Dog
Official description: “Discover your dog’s style with our Bandana of the Month Club.”
Bandanas are so 2015 — ponchos are the latest in Fido fashion.
Clean Gun Box
Official description: “Joining Clean Gun Box is not just joining any group. As a member, you join an elite group of shooters who want to take their game to the next level.”
The only thing you’ll be killing with this box is the environment. All the products are disposable and single use. Concealed Nation, a concealed-carry-advocacy website, says that “a clean gun is a happy gun.” No gun makes a happy Sarah.
GrandBox and ToTroops
Official description: “Send a smile! When you sign up for the Basic Care package, every month your military loved one will receive a box of carefully selected products and presents. We’ll contact you each month to include a special message in each package.”
For people who are too busy to make their own care package for their grandparents and loved ones in Aleppo, I have a special message for you: “Get off your ass and go buy your loved one her favorite snacks before she gets blown up, shitface.”
Baked Barbie Box
Official description: “The Baked Barbie Box features the girliest of stoner gear!”
Kush may not be included, but you’ll find a glitter gel pen. Sorry, the “Makeup & Mary Jane” box is sold out.
The Dollar Condom Club
Official description: “a monthly-subscription membership that makes buying brand-name condoms easy, affordable and discreet.”
For shut-ins who know exactly how much sex they’ll be having each month.
Blue Apron
Official description: “Blue Apron makes cooking fun and easy. We’ll provide you with all the ingredients that you need to make a delicious meal in exactly the right proportions.”
However, the person who packs your heirloom tomato might die.
And a Few I Would Buy
Le Tote
Official description: “Kick back and let us do the hard work. We’ll recommend pieces you’ll love and deliver a customized box of amazing fashion to your doorstep.”
No cleaning or morning decision making? Sign me up — I have FDD (Fashion Deficit Disorder)
Pig of the Month BBQ
Official description: “Better ingredients make better bacon.”
Bacon!
Box of My Dreams
Finally, I wish they made a subscription box of Canadian products. I have to get used to the Canadian palette (ketchup chips!) in case I have to move there after the election.
