“‘Good, this is,’ Yoda said and smiled, walking closer still. ‘Because my favorite, are those cookies, and severe consequences, there would be, for whoever took them.’”
Tonight Rogue One comes to theaters. To celebrate a movie that is (more or less) a Disney-commissioned piece of Star Wars fan fiction, we wanted to see what other Star Wars stories Disney could have pulled from but didn’t.
Turns out the path to the Dark Side is paved with bad Star Wars fanfic. And while some of these character pairings might make you want to gouge your eyes out (see Luke/Jabba), they’re pretty much all better than The Phantom Menace. Jedis and Siths, whip out your lightsabers and prepare yourselves for the weirdest, most bizarre Star Wars fan fiction in the galaxy.
“Letters”
Characters: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon
Brief summary: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are stuck in a trench somewhere. Obi-Wan has a concussion, and Qui-Gon is bored. So they play the classic road-trip game “Letters,” in which players challenge each other to come up with words that start with a given letter of the alphabet — in this case, “T.”
This is the entire fan fiction.
Key passage:
“Tsunami.”
“Nice one. Tornado.”
“Turpentine.”
“What?”
“I said, ‘turpentine.’”
“OK, um…transportation.”
“Transvestite.”
“WHAT?”
“It is a word, master.”
“I know it’s a word. It…I—”
“Hard to come up with something after that, hmm?”
“No, it was just…unexpected.”
“Just come up with a word.”
“Well, um, tertiary.”
“I already used tertiary.”
And it goes on.
“Jabba’s New Slave”
Characters: Jabba the Hutt and Luke
Brief summary: This is the first time I’ve ever read something and actually held an open-mouth frown of pure HORROR the entire time. Really, it made me feel ill. Basically, Uncle Owen’s moisture farm is low on cash, so Luke is sacrificed to Jabba as a slave in exchange for some money. But Jabba isn’t in need of physical labor — he’s in need of physical lovin’. And it is gruesome. And detailed. And downright disturbing. Poor Luke.
Key passage (BTW, I’m really sparing you on this one):
“Put on a show for me, boy,” Jabba commanded. “Take off your clothes.”
“What?” Luke demanded. “No!”
Jabba yanked on the chain, pulling Luke to his face, where he could smell the criminal’s horrible breath. “Do it, boy, or I will devour you for my dinner!”
Luke’s blue eyes widened with terror. He had to comply. He didn’t want to die. Slowly, he stood up and went in front of Jabba as far as the chains would allow. Jabba laughed with delight and licked his lips. Slowly, the boy ripped open his tunic and shed it, revealing his lean, tan upper body. Jabba rumbled happily.”
Already crying? Me too. See you in my nightmares, Jabba.
“The Skywalkers: Soccer”
Characters: Anakin, Padmé, Sabé and Dormé
Summary: It’s soccer season, and your fav Jedi family, the Skywalkers, are rooting for opposing teams. What’s so bizarre about this one is how, uh, normal it is. Really, Anakin and Padmé are depicted as just your typical, middle-class, midwestern suburban couple.
Key passage:
“What time is it?” Anakin asked, trying to avoid the soccer subject.
“Five thirty,” Padmé answered, still looking at Anakin coldly.
Padmé wasn’t usually the competitive type, but when it came to soccer, it was a completely different matter.
“Just eight more hours till the game begins,” she added after a slight pause.
“Oh, so there’s another eight hours of us being nice to each other, then?” Anakin asked. He new what Padmé was like and hoped that she would keep cool till at least an hour before kickoff.
“You Don’t Mess with Yoda’s Cookies”
Characters: Yoda, Kit Fisto, Aayla Secura and Obi-Wan
Brief summary: Kit and Aayla accidentally discover Yoda’s secret stash of cookies on the clone base. Despite the written warning and hidden mousetrap that initially broke one of Aayla’s cookie-snatching fingers, the two run into trouble when they let their appetites get the best of them.
Key passage:
Yoda smiled warmly and hopped up to Aayla. “See my cookies, you did not, correct?” he asked.
“No, Master Yoda, sir,” Aayla grinned weakly. A corner of her mouth twitched.
“Good, this is,” Yoda smiled, walking closer still. “Because my favorite, are those cookies, and severe consequences, there would be, for whoever took them.”
She still grinned down at him, but she was sweating like crazy. Suddenly, all three feet of Yoda seized all five foot seven of Aayla by the collar, and yanked her down, staring her in the eye.
“Very SEVERE consequences,” Yoda growled
Aayla needed a miracle. And a miracle now!
{…}
“WELL?” Yoda howled, lightsaber coming out. Holy shit. He really wanted those cookies.
“The Eye Doctor”
Characters: Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padmé
Brief summary:Anakin convinces Obi-Wan to go to the optometrist. Obi-Wan teaches art history; Anakin works at the Tatooine Garage; and Padmé is an EMT. Oh, and the three are in a polygamous relationship.
Key passage:
Anakin and Padmé gaped as Obi-Wan walked through the door next Wednesday afternoon. Padmé, in the middle of cooking a microwave dinner, had visibly flushed. Anakin just appeared speechless from where he was perched on the couch, and Obi-Wan shifted self-consciously.
“Do they look that bad?” he asked, as Padmé turned to ignored his question.
“The picture didn’t look that good!” she accused him. Anakin’s speech came back, and he frowned at her.
“I wasn’t the one to take the picture. I just sent it to you,” he defended himself. Obi-Wan resisted rolling his eyes at the two of them, but he couldn’t keep the smirk off of his face. He barely made it to the couch before the two of them were on him.
“Hi, This Is Luke, Leave A Message”
Characters: Mon Mathma, Darth Vader and Yoda
Brief summary: “Hi, this is Luke Skywalker. I’m out fighting the Empire right now, but if you leave a message after the beep, I’ll get back to you…” BEEEEP.
Key passage:
“Luke, this is your father. I’m beginning to wonder if you ever check your messages. I know I haven’t been the best father in the universe, but posing as a woman in the personals section of the Imperial Times is not the healthiest way to seek the love and attention that you didn’t receive during your childhood. Frankly, it’s quite disturbing. Call me, and we can try and find a way to work through this. By the way, I removed the ad and threatened to strangle anyone who tries to answer it with my bare hands.”
BEEEEP.
“Hi, Luke, this is Wedge. Sorry about the ad I placed in the Imperial Times. Can I please have my General Kenobi action figure back now?”
BEEEEP.
“Luke, this is your father again. I’m willing to help you work through your apparent gender-confusion issue if you’ll just talk to me. I’ll be here for you when you need me. Bye.”
“Little One”
Characters: Sherlock Holmes, (baby) John Watson, Mycroft and Yoda
Brief summary: Jedi Master Sherlock Holmes has just been assigned his new Padawan, eight-year-old John Watson, and he is none too pleased. As bitter as ever before, only now with the power to use the Force, Holmes struggles to build a relationship with young Watson.
Key passage:
Sherlock just wanted silence, but the boy wanted to talk. He placed his hands over his ears, trying to block the insane child’s chatter. “John,” Sherlock said shortly. “John.” The boy was still chattering. “John, shut up!” Sherlock finally snapped.
Almost immediately, the boy’s whole face crumbled. He sat down with his back against the wall. On instinct the small child reached for his lightsaber. Tears were threatening to fall down his face. Sherlock rolled his eyes.
“Calm down. I couldn’t get you to stop talking any other way. I need to think, Padawan. Meditate, quietly.” He put emphasis on the final word. John sniffed loudly, quickly wiped his nose. “John…”
{…}
“Come here, Padawan. Bring your teddy bear.”
John’s eyes widened. “How did you know about Mako?”
“I could sense him, John. One day you will be able to as well.” Again he motioned for the boy to come to him. John padded over to him eagerly. All past offenses were forgotten. He sat closely to Sherlock’s leg and wrapped his arms protectively around his bear.”
