“Give me your middle American, your foreigners, your huddled masses yearning to be on holiday...”
Hello, out-of-town visitors. Like the sign on the Ferry Building says, “Welcome to the Port of San Francisco.” Can I get you anything? A loaf of sourdough bread, an Irish coffee, some locally made ice cream that you have to stand in line for 20 minutes for? I’m not just being polite; if you need anything during your stay here, just give a holler! I’m only too happy to help because the truth is…
The truth is I’m crazy about you. I don’t just mean I’m crazy about the cute tourists with sexy accents; I’m mad about the whole lot of you! I know this is not necessarily a shared sentiment among my fellow San Franciscans, so do me a favor – don’t bother asking them for directions to the de Young or Coit Tower. Find me, and we’ll figure it out. You are guests in my city, so I’ll do my best to be a good host. Even if it’s just 20 seconds spent pointing you back toward your hotels, I enjoy the time we get to spend together. I love your unusual habits, like, for example, eating in chain restaurants. I didn’t even know there was an Applebee’s here until a nice family from Ohio asked me for directions to it. I love watching you try to deal with our microclimate weather conditions with your shorts/parka and sock/sandal wardrobe combinations. I adore the fact that, in a world in which everything in your pocket has the potential to be a camera, you guys carry ACTUAL cameras with enormous flashes and straps so you can wear them around your neck like a medal of honor. I even find it endearing when you stop right in the middle of a busy sidewalk to stare at some landmark of note. If I were you, I would stop and stare too; we have a lot to look at! But I don’t just love you for your quirky vacation habits – it turns out you have just as much to teach me about my hometown as I have to teach you.
I’m a fourth-generation San Franciscan, and while my love for Atlantis on the Bay is never far from my mind, I sometimes take for granted the things I see and experience here daily. But you, fair travelers, you are seeing everything anew, and your excitement gets me excited. You’re right – the fog really does look majestic curling over the hills; the Victorians are painted beautifully; the Golden Gate Bridge is absolutely a wonder of Art Deco design and 20th-century engineering that, after twentysomething years, I had barely noticed.
It’s not just the big things. When you point out the abundance of recycling and compost, I get proud that I grew up sorting my trash without a second thought and can only hope that you take this concept home with you. After seeing a group of Swedes touring the mural-rich alleys in the Mission a few weeks ago, I took an extra few minutes to stop and look at these paintings that people travel across the world to see. And let’s talk about those of you I met at Gay Pride – boy, you really make me glad to live here after hearing some of your horror stories about the closet situation back home.
Even when you’re criticizing San Francisco (don’t worry, I can take it…within reason), it’s an opportunity to rediscover something about my home I had neglected. You don’t care for that additional charge on a restaurant bill and complain about the extra two dollars on your check. Well, I like that those two dollars go toward restaurant employees getting health care; thank you for reminding me! Too many crazy people riding Muni? Yes, there are, and what a Fellini-esque commute they make! Almost got hit by one tech shuttle too many? Well, we can all agree that that’s unfortunate.
Sometimes, when I get a bout of ennui, I hop on the historic F streetcar at Castro and take a ride down to the Embarcadero. If I’m having an especially serious case of the blues, I’ll get off the F at Powell and take the cable car up the hill. The moment I get on these picturesque forms of public transportation, I’m surrounded by you all, and my day gets brighter. You are so friendly, and since you’re on vacation, your good moods are contagious. Please ask me questions about what you should see while you’re here. I’ll point you toward the museums and shopping districts and bars that the guidebooks all recommend, but if we have enough time to get to know each other (that is, enough stops on the streetcar), we can work on a personalized tour especially tailored to your interests. Are you a true crime buff visiting from Des Moines? Well, lucky you – I know where the house where Charles Manson once lived is and the original locations of the Peoples Temple, Church of Satan, and a few other notorious landmarks you won’t get to see on a double-decker bus. Are you a fashionista from France? By all means, visit Maiden Lane, but why not get my tips on local designers and artisanal boutiques you should not miss? They’ll love your new selvedge jeans back in your arrondissement. Want to see some famous San Francisco film locations, my new Malaysian friend who’s on semester abroad? There are official tours that will show you where Vertigo and Bullitt were shot, but if you want to know where they filmed The Princess Diaries, you’re lucky we happen to be sitting together.
You know what else I appreciate about you, my dear tourists? I love that after hearing my tips about what not to miss in San Francisco, so many of you want to return the favor. “If you’re ever in Des Moines/Paris/Malaysia, you mustn’t miss the Corn Museum/Louvre/Mount Kinabalu.” These are the kinds of international relations that matter the most – you know, along with nuclear disarmament – but you’re on vacation, so don’t worry about that. I hope that when you go back home, you tell your friends not just about the sites you visited but also that you met a nice local on the streetcar who sent you on an adventure you would not have taken otherwise. I hope that adventure makes your trip. I hope you come back, too, and that we run into each other on the F the next time I need some cheering up and you need visitor advice.
Written by Tony Bravo.
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