The more I play Pokémon Go, the more I’m struck by how blatantly reminiscent of genitalia many of the Pokémon are.
Maybe Pokémon Go was made by a bunch of horny dude-bros, or maybe the original designers back in the ’90s were naïve about the potential for innuendo in their creations. Or maybe we’ve just been living in the Bay Area too long, where everything innocent eventually becomes a sexy Folsom Street Fair cosplay.
Still, there’s something slightly off about some of these Pokémon and their, er, “protrusions.” Here are nine sexy Pokémon we can’t unsee.
9. This Anthropomorphic Cunnilingus Machine
It’s a clam with a giant tongue waving out of its ovular orifice. There’s literally nothing subtle about this.
8. This Bobbing Phallus
People have been making sexy Diglett jokes for years. Pokémon Go–maker Niantic went a step further and designed a 3-D model of Diglett that hovers as it bobs up and down in its hole.
Also, I’d just like to point out to anyone who’s curious that my Diglett (pictured above) is “XL.”
7. This Disembodied Gangbang
I was barely ready for one. I don’t think I can handle three, even if they are “XS” (extra small).
6. The Dream of the Fishmerman’s Wife
Call me puerile, but I can’t help but wonder what Tentacool could accomplish with those tentacles if let loose in the Armory.
5. This Pokémon, Who Is Transparent About Her Talents in the Bedroom
4. This Silicone Sex Toy
3. Everyone’s Favorite Drag Queen
To my knowledge, the only Pokémon with lipstick and a bustier.
2. This Horned Fellow, Who Can’t Keep His Tongue in His Mouth
Who knew there were so many horny Pokémon? (See also: Seaking, Weedle).
1. Words Defy Me
“I’m ready!”
Did we miss any? Post your disturbingly sexy Pokémon in the comments.
Screenshots courtesy Sami Lehrman and Keith A. Spencer.
