By Baruch Porras-Hernandez
Douchebaggeophilia: Sexual fetish for men in their 20s who already own a house, work in start-ups funded by daddy’s money and have an undeserved sense of accomplishment.
Vinyasaflophilia: Fetish for white women with dreadlocks, usually wearing Rasta knit hats along with Mexican folkloric skirts and bearing tattoos of Africa, yet who have never left the country.
Iphonoglassonica: Sexual arousal from rubbing one’s genitals on a broken iPhone screen.
Espressophilia: Sexual need to ejaculate on latte art — only fair trade, obviously.
Debicardcosis: The celebratory urge to masturbate upon realizing one’s checking account has topped the 400-dollar mark.
Hipstergentrificosis: Sexual fetish for murals painted by Mexicans and burritos made by Mexicans, balanced by a desire not to look at or interact with Mexicans.
Transportfantasia: When you get so, so wet because you actually got somewhere on time using San Francisco’s abysmal public-transportation system.
I’mnotracistbutophilia: White men who are only attracted to Asian women but won’t step foot in Chinatown because they’re scared of it.
Nebulophiles: People who are aroused by fog.
