By Leona Frey
Hey, you know what’s weird? Living with roommates even though you are a grown-ass adult. Unfortunately, if you live in SF and your Internet start-up didn’t just get bought by Google, you are probably someone who is doing this.
In my four years of living in SF, I’ve had 14 different roommates. FOURTEEN. That is so many that I had to get a piece of paper and make a list to figure that out because I ran out of fingers. Some people on the list are friends; some are Craigslisters; and one guy is listed simply as “Doctor Guy,”* which says a lot about how expensive living in SF is, and also that I might want to get checked out for an early onset Alzheimer’s. Regardless, after that many people, you learn that finding a good roommate balance is hard. Someone may appear to have their proverbial shit together, be relatively hygienic, and have normal social skills, but until you share a shower caddy with them, you really don’t know.
In the event that one of my current roommates moves out, I’ve developed the quiz below to help better understand a potential new roommate’s living style, and to determine if they’d be a good fit for me and my roommates.
Choose one answer only.
1. You get home hammered from the bar and find a box of pizza with the words “DO NOT EAT” on it. You…
A) Briefly consider legally changing your name to “DO NOT EAT.” Order your own pizza instead.
B) Decide to make your own pizza using available tortilla chips, beef jerky, and pasta sauce, because you are a drunk chef! Preheat the oven to 500 degrees. Pass out immediately.
C) Eat most of it. Cram the remaining pizza down the garbage disposal. Your roommate deserves it for leaving passive-aggressive notes on their food. (Make a note to self: find out what “passive- aggressive” means.)
2. The toilet paper has just run out. You…
A) Go to the corner store to buy more.
B) Shit at the gym until someone else buys more.
C) Use the hand towels.
3. Choose the best answer. “I do not bring the party home. I do, however, bring _____ home.
A) Extra cupcakes for sharing!
B) My significant other, who will be unofficially living in my room.
C) Stray animals, discarded street furniture, and venereal diseases.
4. It is the first of the month. You…
A) Left your rent check on the fridge with a clever memo. Oh, you.
B) Left town and forgot to leave rent, but you’ll totally pay your roommates back when you get home in a week or two.
C) Moved out a week ago without telling anyone, but found someone else to take your room. His name is Krebbz, and he sells drugs.
5. I’m out of town, and you really need something to wear. You…
A) Borrow something. Return it dry-cleaned.
B) Borrow something. Return it caked in blood.
C) Borrow something. Claim you already had the same thing. It’s yours.
6. Define “nonsmoker”:
A) I don’t smoke cigarettes. Weed is cool, though.
B) I smoke only when I drink. Which is every day.
C) I smoke only after sex or when I’m emotionally unhinged. Which is always.
7. Your roommate’s parents are in town visiting for the weekend. You…
A) Temporarily remove your bong from the living room and make polite conversation.
B) Black out on boxed wine and Xanax. Tell them awkwardly personal stories about your strained relationship with your own parents.
C) Make sexual advances toward them.
8. One of the roommates is in the shower, and you REALLY need to use the bathroom. You…
A) Wait it out.
B) Enter under the guise of “brushing your teeth” and take a sneaky shit while you’re in there.
C) Shit in a bag, light it on fire, and leave it outside the bathroom door for your roommate to find.
9. You hear sexy noises coming from another room. You…
A) Turn on the TV and ignore it.
B) Retaliate by having louder, more theatrical sex.
C) Knock on the door and ask if you can watch.
10. Your last roommate would describe you as…
A) Easy going, reasonable, and well adjusted.
B) A “free spirit.”
C) A sexual deviant prone to outbursts and completely detached from reality. But with a super-sick place in Tahoe that your parents let you use whenever!
*Doctor Guy, if you’re out there, come back. You were a good roommate. I’m sorry if I threw up on you in that cab that one time.
