Last week, disgraced San Francisco police chief Greg Suhr resigned, perhaps sensing that his scandal-plagued administration had finally capsized. Highlights from Suhr’s administration included the troubling police shootings of Mario Woods and Amilcar Perez-Lopez in 2015, the non-investigation of racist and homophobic text messages sent between officers and the non-investigation into unexamined rape kits.
Clearly, the next police chief has a great legacy to live up to. We put together a short list of people who’d do a better job than Suhr. (OK, not all people. Some are objects or animals.)
10. This inanimate carbon rod.
9. The Yoda statue in the Presidio.
“Racially biased police behavior is a path to the dark side.”
8. The robot at the entrance of Uniqlo.
7. Frank Chu.
Motualcreniel? Eventual prudent? Now that’s a platform I can get behind.
6. Disco cab.
Not the driver—the vehicle itself.
5. Batkid.
4. The dogs from the photo essay we published this morning.
The new face of the SFPD patrols with its head out of the car window.
3. Emperor Norton’s ghost
A lifeless, decaying corpse would almost certainly make better decisions than Suhr.
2. Dog-Cat-Rat Man
Especially if he deputizes his pets.
1. Any of these sea lions. Literally, any of them.
