San Francisco is a small city where you’re apt to run into people you know nearly every day. But a few hundred miles away, there exists a microcosm that’s even smaller, and it goes by the name of Coachella. Coachella is the quintessential California festival. Located a few miles from Palm Springs, the town of the same name is an otherwise arid landscape that pulses alive for two weekends in April. During those two weekends, you can do everything from wear too little clothes to listen to incredible live music to encounter a slew of people both new and old.
But Coachellans are no ordinary people. They’re like non-playable characters in video games for you to interact with to achieve specific missions. Upon meeting them, you will be given the opportunity to spawn new connections, reilluminate flames of relationships past or simply go, “Wait, wut?” They are there for you. These are the 12 people you will meet at Coachella.
1) The Coffee Meets Bagel Guy You Went on Three Dates With
Everything happens for a reason. So remember when you stopped texting back because you were too nervous to tell him it wasn’t going to work out? Well, karma is a bitch, and now you have to finally come clean.
How to Deal with This: Smile, lightly hug (not more than 1.5 seconds, or he’ll think you’re still interested), ask what artist he’s seeing next, and go in the opposite direction.
How NOT to Deal with This: Say you’re on acid and that you’re only 40 percent sure he’s actually there, but you are 100 percent sure that if you lie on the grass, you can hear the music through the ground.
2) The Flower-Crown Princesses
Just when you thought flower crowns were finally dead, Beyoncé went and threw one on for her pregnancy announcement. And of course, everything ’Yonce touches turns to carnations. So now there’s this girl in front you rocking a massive head bouquet in the name of Bey.
How to Deal with This: Politely comment on the crown’s, uh, “profuseness,” and keep your own hair faraway AF so it doesn’t get caught in the thorns or whatever it is that’s keeping it together.
How NOT to Deal with This: Put used-up joints on top and see if she notices. She probably will, and she will not like it.
3) Your Best Friend from High School Whom You Are Definitely Not Friends with Anymore
Except on Facebook, of course, so you still know where they work / live / traveled to for New Year’s Eve, and you need to somehow synthesize a working and not-creepy conversation out of this.
How to Deal with This: Act SUPER-surprised — “You’re at Coachella? Really? You HATE crowds!” Say that you need to refill your water, then saunter away.
How NOT to Deal with This: Awkwardly introduce them to all your new friends while suddenly realizing that the reason you two don’t talk anymore is because of them.
4) The Guy Who Lost All His Friends
He will be in either sheer panic or sheer ecstasy, both for obvious reasons.
How to Deal with This: If the former, invite him to chill with you as long as he’s OK seeing Hans Zimmer instead of DJ Khaled; if the latter, give him a hug and wish him on his way — he good.
How NOT to Deal with This: Offer him extra drugs to move him along; whatever state he’s in, it’s not a good idea to make him more paranoid.
5) The Guy Who Lost All His Shirts
He will probably also be at the Sahara Tent duly sacrificing his tank tops to EDM, because sacrifices are part of life and, like, DJ Snake.
How to Deal with This: A fist-pump and/or a high five.
How NOT to Deal with This: Be within six inches of him and get his /other people’s sweat on you. Not cute.
6) The Girl Who Gets on Everyone’s Shoulders
She’s short! She’s young! She just wants Bastille front man Dan Smith to look at her once! She’s also wearing a flower crown!
How to Deal with This: Let her have her moment, and make sure it’s actually a moment, not 20 minutes. Then tap whatever part of her butt you can reach and ask her to come down.
How NOT to Deal with This: Head-butt the tortured guy who has to carry her so that he falls over and takes her down with her. Do not do that.
7) The One-Compliment Wonder
This person understands that the little things you do can profoundly affect the lives of others. So when they stop you to comment on your piercing blue eyes, they know they’ve just made your weekend.
How to Deal with This: Laugh, cry, hug. Say something nice back, but only if you mean it.
How NOT to Deal with This: Reply that everyone says that to you, and they should be more original. Like, come on, dude; let them be nice.
8) The Missed Connection
Love is powerful, and love is beautiful. It’s also fleeting and grossly exaggerated at festivals. But this person is something different. You just know it.
How to Deal with This: Yolo the fuck out of it. You’ve got only three days in the desert!
How NOT to Deal with This: Figure out their name and aggressively Facebook-stalk them to the point where you learn that they spend all their free time playing League of Legends or making collages of Johnny Depp. Not so dreamy now, hmm?
9) The One Who Won’t Stop Taking Videos/Snapchats
How they even have reception or think anyone will actually watch their shitty, blurry video is truly beyond me.
How to Deal with This: Try to tell them to stop, but in reality end up looking through their phone for a couple of minutes, because the quality on their iPhone 7+ is actually pretty mesmerizing.
How NOT to Deal with This: Repeatedly bump into them to mess up their video. Maybe they will watch it later.
10) The One Who Always Wants to Go to the Do LaB
Oh, sorry, that’s me.
How to Deal with This: Come with, of course! Who doesn’t want to spend a hot afternoon dancing to the beat while being constantly sprayed with water?
How NOT to Deal with This: Tell me that I’m wrong. Tell me. I dare you.
11) The Google Calendar/Maps Guy
He’s memorized the lineup, set times, best sides of the stages to stand on and optimum water-refill stations. This isn’t a festival; it’s a mission.
How to Deal with This: Honestly, if you don’t want to deal with planning anything, this is ideal. Just go with the flow, and you’ll be set.
How NOT to Deal with This: Give him an edible so that he becomes unable to figure out when Radiohead is playing and then freaks out, because now you have to deal with that.
12) The Festival Mom
Hand sanitizer / sunscreen / collapsible water bottle / pills / toilet paper / 12 maps / Neosporin / Advil / bandana / portable chargers? Got ’em.
How to Deal with This: Be her best friend. Seriously, you will never run out of anything ever.
How NOT to Deal with This: Be a shitty friend and take everything without saying thank you or at least buying her a frozen lemonade. That’s how you become the person who loses all their friends.
